(no subject)

[oselle]

Feel the need today to talk about how Daisy died, because I can't get it off my mind.

She was sinking all day yesterday but I thought up until the end that she would have a little rally again, if she could just get some food and water into her. After coming home from the hospital she was very weak and the subcutaneous fluids seem to have done nothing at all. She would groan when I picked her up so I gave her a painkiller and a little applesauce and then let her sleep on the couch under her favorite blanket.

Around 7 PM I put her in her little sweater and carried her downstairs to pee. She did but I had to hold her up and then she turned and on her own hobbled down the ramp to the basement door and that would be the last time she went out.

After settling her back on the couch I went to the supermarket for some Pampers (because I didn't think she would be able to go out anymore, and she didn't really have the strength to squat properly) and some more babyfood. Stupidly I bought a $9 package of dried maitake mushrooms which I'd read had tumor-killing properties. I thought that I would try to make her a little puree of beef and mushrooms and I also bought Jello to keep her hydrated, since she would not drink on her own.

When I got home I fed her half a little jar of Gerber pureed beef and gave her some of her supplements -- vitamins, etc. She did not eat with any enthusiasm but she didn't spit it out or vomit, she just lay down and went to sleep afterwards. I slipped a "wee-wee pad" underneath her and covered her up with her blanket.

Needing to do something I set up a sort of sickroom in my living room, with a little table next to the couch for Daisy's medicines and feeding dish and spoon, and prepared a basket of diapers and babywipes (why I seem to feel that putting things in a basket makes things better is beyond me, but I've always done it).

Tired, I lay down on the couch with Daisy at my feet. Around 11:30 I felt her move around. She looked very limp but she was awake so I gave her her nightly meds and then I noticed that she did not seem able to swallow them. I saw that she had wet herself, too so I picked her up and tried to put a diaper on her because I really wanted her to sleep with me that night.

This was when everything fell apart because she was extremely limp, like I was trying to diaper a heavy rag doll. I got the diaper on her and she just flopped over and began breathing very laboriously. I thought it was just from the effort of putting on the diaper so I laid her back down in her pillowy corner of the couch and tried to calm her down. But by now her eyes were bugging out so wide that I could see the whites all around. I don't know if she was seizing or going into cardiac arrest. I put my hands over her face and tried to quiet her but it didn't work and that was when I ran to the phone. I tried to get through to something called Ambuvet but they were just useless, saying they'd "pass my message on" to the service. Then I started dialing the car service and halfway through I noticed that Daisy's eyes had relaxed and her breath was hitching. Her tongue had flopped out and she was breathing through her mouth. I put my hand against her face and said "Daisy, Daisy," but she was beyond hearing me. I made a last effort to call someone, the hospital this time, when Daisy jerked once, her front legs going very stiff for just a moment and then relaxing. And I put down the phone and went over to her and laid my head against her side. Her heart was still beating, very slowly and then that was it. And when I looked at her face, the light had literally gone out of her eyes. They were beginning to film over, that quickly.

I called my dad and asked him to take me to the hospital. I wrapped Daisy up in her favorite blue blanket and put her in her Sherpa bag. She was limp and heavy and it was horrible, like trying to stuff a marionette in a suitcase. But when they took her out at the hospital her features had relaxed and although her eyes were open, she looked more peaceful. Though I didn't doubt it, the doctor confirmed that she really was dead. I held her for about half an hour and she was still warm. Then I swaddled her in her blanket and the night-duty doctor came and took her away. I'll have a cremation service come to pick her up and send me her ashes.

Her death was quick but it was not peaceful. Although brief, for those few minutes she looked so frightened and I could not help her, all I seemed to be able to do was run back and forth to the phone. But I hope she knows that I was there with her at the very end. And she was such a good girl to the end, she even went at her own time and spared me from having to make that decision on my own.

My dear little girl. May she rest in peace in the Land of Big Pillow Mountains, Blankies and Chairy-Chairs, may there be no squirrels or horses to annoy her and may St. Francis himself give her a big belly rub whenever she wants one.

Comments

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear, my dear Oselle, I know how helpless you must have felt, and how frightened, and how much you wished there was something you could do for her. I've felt all those things too. There's never enough time to say or do the things we want to say and do for those we love. Bless Daisy, and bless you. I wish I had some comfort to offer you.

[9ff.livejournal.com]

I know someone who is very good at helping in times like this.

www.spiritdrum.org

[the0neru.livejournal.com]

you did a great job of caring for daisy, and you gave her a fantastic life. i'm sorry she was so unwell. it was kind of her to go ahead so you didn't have to choose her time, and i'm sure she knew you were there with her at the end.

as much love and joy as your darling girl brought you, and even though you know she's at peace now, it's still hard to let go. bless you for all you did for her - not just lately, but as long as you've been together.

you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[lbilover.livejournal.com]

I'm sure that she knew you were there with her at the end, Oselle. I know that there are no words that can truly comfort you right now, but I just want to say how very, very sorry I am and that I'm thinking of you. (((hugs)))

[cpsings4him.livejournal.com]

Oselle, I'm so glad you feel able to talk about this.

Daisy is a lucky little girl to have had you for your mommy. I know you feel lucky to have had her, too. You were a blessing to each other, even right to the very end.

Some people may think I'm silly for thinking so, but I truly do believe there is an afterlife - for animals as well as humans. I don't pretend to know what it must be like, but what I can NOT believe is that those little creatures who bring us so much joy, so much love and so much comfort have their true ending here. I don't know what Heaven is like for dogs, but I do believe there is one - and dear Daisy is there.

Please continue to keep talking to us if it helps you to do so. We care about you.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I miss Daisy already. I know she is in the Land of Big Pillow Mountains too, where the very best dogs go.

Also I just have to say I think you were really brave and handled everything amazingly well. It must have been so hard for you, not being able to feel like you were doing anything, but I think you did everything right for Daisy.

[hiraetham.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, again I'm so sorry. Those things are always so cruel, no matter how quiet and quick. You shouldn't beat yourself up, I think you handled all this amazingly well. And so lovingly, she must have felt it. Also, I'm glad it didn't happened on a workday, and that you were with her until the end.

[oxer12.livejournal.com]

I promise you, she knew you were there.

I don't know if you believe it, but I do think our pets come to visit after they pass on. I often feel Rusty's presence around me, and on the drive home from the vet's office that last day, I heard his tags jingling in the back seat.

Please spill as much as you need to. We all love you, and we're here for you. {{{oselle}}}

[ellinestel.livejournal.com]

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) ...

[pearlette.livejournal.com]

(((((((((Oselle)))))))))))))))

[marigold6.livejournal.com]

Others have been much more eloquent than I could be, dearest Oselle, so I'll just say this - you were with her and that's what matters. I'm sure she knew you were there, dear, and you did all you could. Don't feel that anything, no matter how small, was stupid or useless - it was done with love, which is never either of those things. My heart goes out to you and I'll light a candle for Daisy and her mommy. *tight hugs*

[fictualities.livejournal.com]

(((((((((((((((((((Oselle)))))))))))))))))))

You were there. That's really important.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and Daisy are in my thoughts.

[elwenlj.livejournal.com]

You poor sweetheart. It was awful that you had to watch your little friend suffer like that. At least she had you with her until the end, though and you know you did all you could for her.

*hugs*

[samaranth.livejournal.com]

I'm sure Daisy knew you were there.

And I'm sure St Francis will.

[tempest-415.livejournal.com]

You were with her at the end.
Those few moments where she was struggling were the period in which her body was giving up but her 'heart'(not the actual heart) hadn't accepted it yet. It is scary and generally painful (this description doesn't sound bad, she didn't cry), but it always happens unless one is completely unconscious through it, but it doesn't last long, and I truly believe that there is no pain anymore once it is over. For the rest of the time she was still there, just unable to respond anymore. The lungs and heart are very mechanical organs that do not want to let go. This is just the body now and not 'her'. When her eyes relaxed, the fight of lungs and heart is over, but they stop working altogether at their own pace. Her body may appear distressed, but she is not. I believe she still hears and smells at this point, probably losing those senses only after the brain shuts down after the heart and lungs stop, But I firmly believe that she knew you were there until she knew no more. I think she would have struggled much more trying to find you if that was not the case.
If you had been able to take her to the vet the only difference in this process would have been that you would have rendered her unconscious before it happened. The muscle freezing drugs used would also have made it so that you couldn't see what the body was going though. I know you planned on having a vet come in to the apartment, but I have to tell you, I have never seen that work out. Would you really trade that last good day, the good hours since then, for the sake of missing that short period of pain. You let her have the full measure of life that her body could stand, and you were the last thing she knew. You did really well by her.

I know there is nothing to console you now. I hope that in the future you'll be able to remember that you did well.
I strongly advise you to clean out the apartment now of all the things you needed for taking care of her these last few weeks. Throw away the mushrooms, the jello, the pampers and the meds. I don't care what they cost. If you want to donate them to the vet, do it tomorrow. I'm not talking about her blankets and toys and collar. Put those in a nice box and save them somewhere safe. Make sure that you get the name of the company that is cremating her body, before the vet hospital forgets. Sometimes it takes months to get the ashes back.

And please continue to talk to us. If we don't hear from you in the next weeks we are all gong to be very worried about you.

[golden-berry.livejournal.com]

Oh, my dear. She knew how much you loved her. She knew you were there for her right up until the end of her adored and adoring all-too-short life. I'm so sorry, and so sad.

Daisy is beyond pain and fear now. I hope you find some comfort in that.

(((Oselle)))

[cs-luis.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. ♥ You took good care of her and she was your dearest friend. Please try to take good care of you - you're both in my thoughts.

[merylmarie.livejournal.com]

I'm reading this very late, but I'm grateful you took the time to share your last hours with Daisy with us. I was wondering how you were managing it all. There's a kind of fierce satisfaction in shouldering the pain right along with your loved one and protecting them, all the way to the end. As traumatic as it is, I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Of course she knew you were there, and I feel she is still there with you, too. Be good to yourself now. ((((((oselle))))))