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The deranged bad influence known as baylorsr continues her reign of terror by sending me Season One of Dark Angel on DVD for Christmas. As you may recall, I recently provided a rundown of Season Two, which featured Our Mr. Ackles in the wonderful role of Alec X5-494, a wisecracking "transgenic" who was clearly genetically engineered to be as foxy as transgenically possible. Season One is notable for the one episode, "Pollo Loco" that guest starred Alec's equally foxy but deeply disturbed and not at all wisecracking clone predecessor, Ben X5-493 played, of course, by Our Mr. Ackles at the decidedly delicious age of twenty-two. Ay caramba!

The episode starts off with Jessica Alba's transgenic character, Max, choking a chicken in the grim, slummy tenements of post-Apocalyptic Seattle. That's all I'm going to say about anything non-Ben-related that happens in this episode.

The real pollo loco in question is actually Ben, who, along with Max, escaped from the clutches of Manticore, the shady corporation that bred them from conception to be "supersoldiers." Unable to handle life "on the outside," Ben has gone loco and started ritualistically killing innocent people in imitation of the gory training exercises he was subjected to as a child.

The first time we see Ben he is buck naked.

You still with me? Ha ha, just kidding! Not really though. The implication is that he's buck naked, we only see him from the waist up, but we do get a gorgeous 360-degree view of that waist-up. He's sizing himself up in a mirror in some sort of grim warehouse and he's glaring at himself in a way clearly meant to let us know that he's off his rocker. Jensen Ackles can do a glare like no one else. Everything below my waist pretty much dissolved.

Next time we see him he's looking superfine in a SWAT-style black jacket zipped up to his neck. Then he's running through the woods chasing some poor bastard who I assume is his prey. Despite the fact that the prey is armed with a high-power rifle, he's no match for Ben's genetically engineered hotness skills. Ben dispatches the poor bastard with a quick snap to the neck then glowers triumphantly over the cooling corpse. Ben's hair is absolutely adorable the whole time and the shadowy lighting really brings out his cheekbones and lovely pout.

Max tracks Ben to a local church because she recalls that, as a child at Manticore, Ben told stories of "The Blue Lady" i.e., the Virgin Mary whose picture he'd seen on a Manticore janitor's mass card. The Blue Lady is apparently Ben's sole belief system and he's murdering these people for her, and laying little tokens of his appreciation at the feet of her statue, said tokens being his victims' teeth. This is unnecessarily grotesque and I can't believe that no one in the church notices this. I've seen prayers and candles and other little offerings deposited at the feet of statues in church but come on...napkins full of bloody teeth?

Whatever. Ben shows up at the church and gazes up at the Virgin Mary's statue with a dewy-eyed, rosy-lipped expression that I suppose is meant to be pious devotion, but is giving me decidedly un-Christian thoughts. Where the hell is a thornbush when you need one, eh? Realizing Max is behind him, he wheels around and murmurs "Max" with a little smirk that had me giggling in giddy glee. A spectacular, golden closeup ensues before Ben evades Max and runs out of the church.

Next we see Ben he's in a confessional, the grille beautifully accenting his face. This scene is full of exquisite closeups. Is he wearing lipstick? Tell me he's wearing lipstick. Nobody has a pout like that who isn't wearing lipstick. Do they? And what about those eyelashes?

Some plot kookiness follows with Ben kidnapping the priest for no apparent reason, but he looks very hot the whole time. Then he's on top of the Space Needle in the moonlight, very foxily glowering down at Seattle and looking sort of like a wickedly hot vampire. If anything evil ever does get to Dean Winchester, I hope it's a vampire because guh!...Vampire Dean. I am certain this topic has been covered at great length in the pages of fanfiction and if not WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Max tracks Ben to the Space Needle, overpowers him and handcuffs him face-down to a beam or something. Ben flashes back to a grisly childhood memory and looks very crazy and hot the whole time. He taunts Max and she slugs him in the face, beautifully bloodying his already delicious lip. Then she yanks him up by the hair and it's Ay! Caliente!!!

Max drags Ben back to...I don't know where, really, and has him handcuffed up. She tries to find out why he's murdering people and he just smirks it off. Jensen's right cheek is a tiny bit broken out in this scene. On him...it's adorable. Pretty, pretty pimples. His lip continues to be delightfully bloody. The scene closes with some scrumptious angst as poor, crazy Ben starts weeping, "I'm a good soldier...I try so hard." Oh...Ben!!!!!

Max takes Ben, hands cuffed behind his back, to the warehouse where he's keeping the priest for no apparent reason. His brief breakout has cleared up and his skin looks really gorgeous in this scene. In a wonderful bit of physicality, Ben leaps over his own cuffed hands to get them in front. He locks Max up and commands the priest to "run" so that Ben can pursue him as he was trained to do by Manticore.

Jensen is gymnastically hot in this next scene. I don't know if he's doing his own stunts or what, but I'm sure he was since producers of Dark Angel Season Two fawned at nauseating length over how good Jensen was at everything and that even trained stuntment were impressed by Jensen's ability to pull off his own stunts because he is just fucking perfect and everyone loves him. Sigh. Fabulous fisticuffs ensue as Ben and Max beat the shit out of each other. Finally, Max delivers a literally bone-crunching blow to Ben's leg that lays him out.

Sound of looming black helicopters and Ben begs Max not to leave him there, not to let Manticore take him. "You know what they'll do to me." I know what I'd like to do to you, baby. Did you know that 40-year-old women are at their sexual peak?

Max says she can't carry him or they'll both get caught. He gives her a Fraught With Meaning look. Ben shudders in pain and desperation as he begs Max, "Please..." Max asks Ben to recite one of the stories he told her during their dystopian Manticore youth. While Ben's ensconced in this semi-happy memory, Max snaps his neck. His limp body is artistically draped over Max's lap as she weeps over him.

The producers of Dark Angel, having all fallen deeply in love with Jensen Ackles, scramble to find a way to bring this dazzling creature back as a recurring character. So Manticore operatives arrive and mourn over the lost hotness that was Ben X5-493. They vow that such a perfect specimen cannot be discontinued and go off to create that delightful scamp, Alec X5-494 from Ben's delectable DNA. All is well!!

Ratings, Scale of 1-10:
Pretty Rating: Are you frigging kidding me? He's twenty-two frigging years old!
Proto-Dean Rating: Hmmm...tough call. I'm gonna give him a solid 8. Alec rated lower on this because he's much more jaunty and happy-go-lucky than Dean. Ben's just a big aching puddle of anger and angst and you can really see some younger Dean Winchester in him.

This episode, to my knowledge, is not available on download anywhere. The SciFi channel is currently airing Season One on Sundays at 11 pm, but their schedule changes at the drop of a hat so you never really know when it's going to be on. If you can track "Pollo Loco" down, it's totally worth it. I was dying to see this one, so a big muchas gracias to baylorsr. Es muy delicioso! Feliz Navidad a todos!!