On Not Writing

[oselle]

It's been a good long time since I put up something nice and crazy that allows you to see the unpleasant workings of my inner mind. Well, batten down the hatches and kick back for it. I've been sitting on this for a few weeks and it's burning a hole through my guts. I generally find that keeping it in is more therapeutic for me than letting it out but I was sitting here having a goddamn crying jag and figured well, what the fuck.

Before I continue, let me say that I started trying to write an SPN story sometime around early November. I've made passing mention here to the fact that it was ratcheting along pretty slowly. More on that later.

A while back, when I first started getting into Supernatural I said that I didn't want to read any SPN stories. Mostly because I didn't want to get sucked into the bottomless abyss of fandom obsession. As some of you may recall from my LoTR/Elijah Wood days, I've got some going-overboard issues with that sort of thing. I was true to my commitment and I think I held out pretty well for a while. But you know, the show's been on hiatus since December 13. And that was a pretty long couple of holiday weekends there. And it's winter. And...you know.

You read this and you read that. You start off with some fun little parody stuff, you know, like Plastic Winchesters. It's all good. That's not really fanfic, is it? Right. Then you move on up to some one-shot angsty stories. The usual fare. Some nice turns of phrase. Dean gets smacked around a lot. Again, all good. Nothing wrong.

At some point you (by which I mean "I" of course) take the plunge into the hard stuff. The 200-page, multi-chapter, decade-spanning epics (recced to you by people WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS). I don't want to get into a rambling description of particular stories. But I've been there and back. And back there again.

For me, the experience of reading really great fanfic is very different from that of reading published fiction. I'm reading a book, it's a book. This person is a professional. Writing is what they do, I expect them to be good at it. I expect them to be better at it than I ever could be. When it's very good, there's admiration and awe but very little in the way of envy. Fanfic is different. Fanfic is written by schmucks like me. People who have other jobs. People who aren't getting paid, don't have an agent and a publisher riding their ass to produce something. People who have no business being that fucking good at writing something based on a freaking TV show that (forgive me, SPN fans) only rises to real greatness about three or four times a season.

You ("I") read this stuff and realize that there's no fucking point in continuing to do anything yourself. It's been done, and better. The gold standard of SPN fiction is out there, and you didn't write it. You try to make yourself feel better by picking it apart but all of your nitpicks fall flat. Oh, it's too much "tell" and too little "show" (doesn't matter when the "tell" is that good). The characters aren't exactly canon (that's because the characters are better than canon). Too many original characters (yeah, but they're great). Too long (just right). What else you got? It's too exciting? Plot's too involving? What? The problem here is that it's just too goddamn good for you to bear. And some chick wrote it. At her kitchen table, no doubt. In the midst of work, family and a real life. Using nothing but her own head. And not just once. But many times. All different stories, each one terrifically original, expertly plotted, brilliantly characterized. You don't have to be an SPN fan to read this stuff. It can stand alone, even if you've never watched the show. Hell...you read this stuff and it makes you wonder why the show is never that good. The show, written and produced by people who get paid to live and breathe these characters, pales in comparison to these stories written by someone who's doing it for fun.

1. One big question: how can anyone be this good and not have been "discovered?" Okay, I don't know that she hasn't been. For all I know she's got a six-figure deal in the works with Simon & Schuster. But goddamn. If I were a lit agent, I'd be sending her mash notes -- "Show me what else you can do. Please! Here's an advance!" I've heard those couple of SPN novelizations were no great shakes. Who publishes those and why aren't they asking this woman to work for them? Why isn't Eric Kripke calling her up and asking her to try her hand at a spec script or two?

Is there something about writing fanfic that doesn't translate to "real" fiction or scriptwriting? I wonder. Especially when it comes to something like a TV show which, of necessity, has to move fast, has to tell a story in 40 minutes or less. None of these stories could be told in 40 minutes or less. It would take three, maybe four episodes to do any one of them justice. But wow. Can you imagine?

As little as I know of the SPN fandom, I can't imagine that this person isn't high-profile. I can't imagine that no one associated with the show has read this stuff. And let me tell you...if I wrote for the show and read this stuff, I'd be really, really depressed about having to produce crap like "Red Sky at Morning" when I could be adapting this. Or else I'd be really, really worried that someone out there was better at my job than me.

2. Second big question: how can anyone be this good? I'd love to know what that feels like. What does it feel like to produce one great story after another, to have all that in your head AND be able to get it down on paper? Man, what is that like?? And let me say, these stories aren't great because they're sensational or packed with gratuitous NC-17 sex or thickly layered with angst (not that any of those are necessarily bad things, and all have their place in the world of fanfic). They're great because THEY'RE GREAT. They're great storytelling. They're great fiction, period.

Yeah, so. I knew my instinct for avoiding this stuff was the right one. But not because it's sucked me into fandom. Because in all my years of reading fanfic, I've just never seen anyone take the bones of canon and run with it like this.

The other day I had a drunken lunch with a friend who had aspirations to be a painter before real life got in the way. We were both pretty in the bag and she started talking about painting and how brutal the art world was and how she really wanted to try painting again and how she knew she'd be successful etc. She's one of these uber-confident people and she's probably right. But I asked her (somewhere around my fourth Bloody Mary) if she didn't get discouraged when she saw artists whose work she thought was "better than" hers. She didn't seem to understand what I meant. I guess that's what it's like to be a real artist. There is no "better than." Yeah, someone else's work might blow your mind, but you've got your own ideas right? And it's gonna blow someone's mind. Because you're an artist.

I'm not an artist. I got nothing. I see someone writing fanfic whose work is this good and it freaks me the fuck out. I had a near panic-attack the other day thinking about one of these stories. In freaking Dunkin' Donuts of all places. Just standing there, getting a caramel latte, and some twist of plot popped into my head and I almost started hyperventilating. Because how does anyone do that? How do they have all that in their head? How do they watch some silly show with cute guys and make art out of it? I guess that's what artists do. I just wouldn't know.

This isn't about fanfic. And it isn't about Supernatural. Fuck fanfic and fuck Supernatural. This is about writing, the one thing that I always thought I'd be able to do. The one hope for myself I've always had in the back of my mind. But I'm not a writer. I'm not an artist. There's nothing there, and I know it. I feel the utter emptiness of my own head and it scares the shit out of me because I always thought there was something there, I just needed to tap into it the right way. There's not. I swear on my life, there's not. I could drill a fucking hole in my head and I still wouldn't "tap" into it. There's nothing there. It's a lonely fucking place.

Needless to say, the story I started writing in November has been put on permanent hiatus. There just wasn't anything there, either.

You know what? I do feel a little better. Confession is good for the soul. Thanks for listening.



(Ah fuck it. The author in question is big_pink I'm sure you've heard of her. If you haven't, fire up your printer. She just started a new story this month.)

Comments

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

God, I so know what you mean. And I do think fanfic writers who are that good are also good writers. Some kinds of fanfic doesn't translate, but the raelly good stuff is really good because it's got more. (One really popular fanfic writer I know--and luckily like--just sold her first novel for something like half a million.)

I get the same feeling--it's not even just that they have great ideas, but they seem to spring forth fully formed, like the idea just translates into an excellent story, which is the hard part.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's any way that someone can write such good fanfic and not be a great writer at anything they tried. I've heard other stories of fanfic writers making the leap into published work, so it's not like writing great fanfic is some freak or anomaly. Great writing is great writing, period.

they seem to spring forth fully formed

I'm sure there's plenty of hard work involved, the whole 99% perspiration thing and all that. But all the perspiration in the world won't help if you just ain't got it. I'd love to know what it's like to have it.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Oh by the way, you up for a late lunch on Sunday with me, baylorsr and merylmarie? I was thinking that cowgirl place in the Village, maybe around 2:00? Cowgirl Bar & Grill or something.

[caoil.livejournal.com]

No words of wisdom, only words of empathy. I totally get where you're coming from. Just substitute "acting" for "writing", and we're in the same boat of frustration, sailing down the river of Obviously-Not-,What-The-Hell-Were-You-Thinking.

[i-o-r-h-a-e-l.livejournal.com]

Yeah, someone else's work might blow your mind, but you've got your own ideas right?

That's a great insight.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I think that river eventually lets out into the Sea of Resignation. I'm not quite there yet. I'm hoping it'll be better than it sounds.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Well, that was just the impression I got off what my friend was saying. An artist looks at someone else's work and is challenged or inspired by it because they know they've got something of their own to offer.

[baylorsr.livejournal.com]

I'm Devil Spawn. I owe you many drinks. And you've got another think coming if you think you're finished with that story after you've got me all excited about it.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Yeah, YOU can write it. Should be easy for you. Just go down to Hell and get together with the other Imps of Satan and have a brainstorming session about it. I'm sure they have plenty of rockin' ideas. You'd better have the same blood type as me. You owe me your frigging organs after this.

[caoil.livejournal.com]

Hopefully placid, and very likely friendly (given that there'd be so many of us there).

[golden-berry.livejournal.com]

I wish I could remember the name of the author whose interview I read recently...who said that in the midst of writing his second novel he called his agent and said basically what you've said above about writing. She laughed and said "so, you've gotten to THAT stage". He didn't remember going through exactly the same thing while writing his first novel, but she did.

Anyway, part of what you are feeling is human nature, for those of us not born with infinite self-confidence. My own personal self-torture is the knowledge that I'm not the world's best pathologist, that basically I'm lazy about keeping up with stuff and there are others right in my own department who are better than I am. For a writer, though, the mysteries of the creative process are so much more layered and complex.

[layne67.livejournal.com]

Oselle,

I totally got what you're saying here, because I was like, totally blown away by the fanfics that I read in the SPN fandom. It was the fanfics that got me totally hooked into the show in the first place, though I'm definitely obsessed with the show itself now ( well, S1 and S2 at least ).

But.

You yourself are a brilliant, awesome writer. I was pratically jumping with joy when you said that you were starting on a new story and now it's put on permanent hiatus? Oh Oselle, you're a good, nay, great writer. 'Birthright' is right there at the top of my favourite fanfics ever, and I was sad ( still sad, I miss Birthright!Zekasey like crazy ) when 'Birthright' is no more. And I was so looking forward to reading that SPN fic of yours. Oh please, please, please, do, do continue writing it. You're GOOD and you're everything that you said about the other writers. Please?

.
.
.

Yeah, I've read big_pink's works. She's brilliant ( but so are you! ). I read both gens and Wincests ( you don't read the latter, I presume? ), a lot of them, and you, my dear, belong right there with all those writers.

[layne67.livejournal.com]

ps

Kripke does read fanfics, btw. He said so :)

And he totally should be hiring some of the writers here as part of his team.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

That would be nice. It looks pretty cold and dark from where I'm sitting.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

For a writer, though, the mysteries of the creative process are so much more layered and complex.

Yeah, because it's all got to come from you. It's either there or not. In terms of most professional pursuits you can always do things to improve your efficiency or skill. But doing anything artistic...sure you can practice till you're blue in the face but if the raw materials aren't there it's not going to happen. It's like picking up a plain old rock and thinking that with just enough polishing it'll turn into a diamond. It won't.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and I can imagine which one's he's reading. I don't think it was a coincidence that there was a Big Bad Wolf storyline in one of this season's episodes.

[layne67.livejournal.com]

Still in the 'on not writing' mood? :(

[oselle.livejournal.com]

It's funny, I miss Birthright too. Honestly, I think that was some of the best writing I've ever managed to do. Alas, I think all of those tales have been told, at least by me.

I really, really appreciate everything you've said and I hate to disagree because I know it makes me look ungrateful. But I just...wow. I don't see any way you can read something by big_pink and put me in that league. Or in the same hemisphere as that league. Writing has become a really torturous process for me and I'm not sure why that is but I think it's because I'm trying to do something that I just don't have the chops for. When people have the chops, it shows. But thank you anyway :)

And no, I don't read Wincest. I even get squicked by Wincest icons when I see them turn up. I didn't care for Frodo banging his cousins, I'm sure not up for brothers doing it. Eeep.

[layne67.livejournal.com]

This is going to sound cliche and all, but why don't you write for you. God knows I positively cringe whenever I re-read anything I wrote, but at that time when I finished something, the sense of accomplishment was something else, and the handful of comments that I got? Positively gave me a high for days.

And if everyone is going to compare what they write to say, big_pink, then I guess there won't be any more new writers out there!

Aww, c'mon, whatever you write, it's going to be great. And I LOVE that one short SPN fic that you wrote a while back.

There are amazing SPN writers out there, gen and slash both, but the fics are somehow sweeter when written by familiar names like you and Baylors and Vshendria and Arabia764 and Montmorency and Iorhael.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, that's not going anywhere! It is, however, a tremendous relief to talk about this. You have no idea how long I've been stewing over it.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I just don't have any fun at it if I don't think it's any good and I have a quirk in my brain where I automatically compare myself (unfavorably) to everyone else. I think a lot of the joy of writing Birthright was that it was just baylorsr and I doing it and we were so much on the same page that there wasn't any room for comparison.

And I LOVE that one short SPN fic that you wrote a while back.

I kinda loved it too but it was kinda weird wasn't it? And I seem to be pretty good at those little one-shots, but man, my storytelling is for the birds. I have such envy of people who can really craft a plot, I think that's even more important than being good with words. Gawd, I thought JK Rowling was a horrible writer but a master of plot (until she sent everyone off on an endless camping trip in that last book, of course. WTF!?)

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I think I should be able to make it--I'd love to.:-)

[sleeplessmarea.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, because it's all got to come from you."

Are you ready for a monster post - cause it has (literally) been years since I've done one, and I (like you) have been saving up. You know I like and respect you a lot - but I must disagree here if you're in fact saying here what I think you're saying.

Know the theory that only 30-ish different plots exist in all the universe and the hundred thousands stories ever written are merely some version of these? For the record, I'm not sure if I buy this theory (I'm sure I've read stuff weird enough to make their "plots" absolutely unique) - still the concept is useful for a point I want to make.

Basically - whatever it is that they DO - what writer's DON'T do is MAKE stories appear out of thin air - or even out of random bits of inspiration and fairy dust bound and a few talented until, after much labor...BAM!!!. the writer births Something where previously there had been Nothing and calmly records it onto a blank page.

This is admittedly a cool idea... like a personal Big Bang colliding with a wake up slap by one's Muse. But I don't belive writing actually works that way. While it's truethe process requires every writer to utilize a "clean slate", no writer achieves inspiration from one.

Writing is a process of TRANSLATION. It starts with the taking in of a Reality (the writer's - who else's?) and then shares that reality with others(i.e. people NOT YOU) enabling said others to experience something they haven't before. Your writing then can, in turn fuel the process further, inspiring others to create links in an never ending chain.

The raw materials to create said links up to the writer and depend on what's appropriate for the end goal intended. A mechanic doesn't use 24 carat gold in the chains he uses to winch cars onto to his tow truck even IF he is insanely wealthy and trying to impress the customers). Neither should a writer set out a plotty, spiritually complex multi-character drama requiring potentially expensive sci fi special effects and pitch it as a T.V. series. Exceptions apply (see J.Michael Strazinsky/Joss Wheedon).

Inspiration is also up to the writer. Anything is fair game...your abuse-ridden childhood, your collegiate drug-induced hallucinations in 60's, the novels of Jane Austen, Biblical proverbs, "cornflower blue eyes" and the hobbit they're attached to and two intruiging brothers on that spooky TV show... ALL equally fertile compost for the soil.

I likewise don't buy the concept that you've got an empty hole in your head (or however you put it). I do believe you when you say it feels that way. I much prefer another analog. You're more like that little patch of garden en that either produces flowers and helps as lush and abundant as an Amazonian rainforest - or else as sparse and dessicated as the outback in drought... depending on whether I've composed or notr and cultivated.

And as far as what's considered "legitimate" or what's "art" and what's not -they're likewise READER (or critic, publisher and/or TV producer) questions, not WRITER questions. (Actually, they're probably not READER questions either!). My gut says any writer getting overinvolved with these risks interrupting (or at least slowing) the very flow of words they're anxious about.

And tou're the veritable high priestess reality translation i.e. writing, Oselle. And you always do with with grace and humor ... even the above stellar example of an Oselle "rant-y post". The issues discussed here are significant, but IMHO what gives your writing a kind of grandeur is not that you're professional or that your characters are pop culture icons, or that the ideas, theme or subject were originated by you. Rather, it because of your ability to take a subject and inspire me not only into experiencing thoughts but also FEELINGS. That is a rare gift and one I'd like to see you continue to develop. Please don't give up.

Blame layne67 for linking me to you :p

[cyndrarae.livejournal.com]

Maybe.. it's okay to write even if you're not the best writer around because you were never in it for the competition anyway? Maybe you didn't start writing to show the world how good you are, rather it was to write what you wanted to read yourself? And maybe, by continued practice you'd get better and better until some day the world sits up and takes notice? But until then maybe.. just maybe it's okay to write for an interested audience of one because no one else writes it the way YOU do, better or worse who cares.. it's why you started writing in the first place wasn't it? For yourself?

Re: Blame layne67 for linking me to you :p

[oselle.livejournal.com]

It's hard to explain, but it's not really about competition. It's more like...think back to when you were a kid and maybe you saw some other kid execute some cool maneuver on their bicycle or skateboard or something. And all you can think is, "Wow, I want to do that too!" Not because you want to top them really but just because you want to know what it feels like to do that, to achieve that. But the other kid's an expert at it and you're a complete klutz and the more you try the more busted up you get. Until finally you're covered in scabs and you realize you're just making an ass out of yourself. That's more what it's like, it's the best example I can come up with.

Where writing differs from the above example is that writing, IMO, requires readers. JRR Tolkien once said that "art without an audience is no art." Maybe there are people out there who write solely for themselves but the last time I did that was when I was around twelve. I don't have the free time I had back then and writing is pretty hard work for me -- if I'm going to put in the time and the work, it's not going to be just for myself. And if I don't think it's good enough to share with others, I'm not going to put in the time and work. Does that make sense?

[oselle.livejournal.com]

what writer's DON'T do is MAKE stories appear out of thin air

See, I have to disagree with you. Maybe all stories share common themes or plots, but the stories themselves DO come out of thin air, or rather, out of the writer's head. Not in the sense that the writer is starting with nothing, literally, because nothing comes from nothing. Of course writers are going to draw on their own experiences, their own favorite stories, and of course all stories are going to share some common elements. But it's the writer's job to take all those disparate elements that are floating around in thin air and make a story out of them. So where once you had a blank sheet of paper, suddenly there's something there. And while I realize the experience of reading is highly subjective, for me, there's got to be more there than feelings. I can totally appreciate that as a reader, you enjoy a writer who can inspire feelings but as the writer I've always wanted to be able to do something more -- real storytelling, I guess. Real story crafting. It just doesn't come. And then I see other people who can do it and wow. I think, maybe it's best to leave this up to the people who know what they're doing.

[aliensouldream.livejournal.com]

Hi! I got deflected here from elijah_finds. I'm primarily a Faculty fan and I am now very intrigued by mention of 'Birthright'. I don't think I have ever come across this. Can you let me have a link to it please?

And please don't give up on writing as it is your love for the subject that matters, which will always be detectable to readers, who are insatiable anyway. Think where fandom would be if people didn't just wing it!

Hugs :-)

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Gosh, "Birthright." That was co-created by baylorsr and me. We made a decision a couple of years ago to take those stories down and I'll have to confer with her about making it public again. Problem is, there's the main story, "Birthright," which baylorsr wrote in entirety, but then there are many installments afterwards that we both wrote that were just entries on her and my LJs. I don't even know how I'd link to it all. It's not all in one place. Probably should be, huh?

[lilybaggins.livejournal.com]

Well, I have to say that I'm one of those people who has read your Frodo fic and thought the very same thing about YOU. As in, "Why do I even try anything at ALL when HERS is so damned good?"

And that's the truth. I know that we all have times when we're not feeling the inspiration, but if you've produced just ONE story that makes someone else feel absolutely awestruck, then, well you've "got" it. And you have. Maybe at the moment you don't feel inspired, but it's in there just waiting to come out at the right time.

For myself, I regret the feelings that arise from not feeling inspired. Oh, I've never been a "writer" in any sense of the word, but when I produce absolutely nothing, I begin to feel quite useless to the fandom. Left out. Others on my flist talk about writing and I have nothing to say. Odd person out---it's not a nice feeling. I don't know if others feel this way---maybe it's just me.

[iolanthe-chubb.livejournal.com]

One big question: how can anyone be this good and not have been "discovered?" Okay, I don't know that she hasn't been. For all I know she's got a six-figure deal in the works with Simon & Schuster. But goddamn. If I were a lit agent, I'd be sending her mash notes -- "Show me what else you can do. Please! Here's an advance!"

You have just unlocked the great mystery that is the Internet, where everywhere there are people talking and writing and painting and photographing and critiquing, and all these people are unknown, and nearly all of them are better than nearly all of the so-called "professionals."

Excellent discussion and comments here.

And you know how I've always felt about *your* writing, Oselle! But that "quirk" in your brain that you speak of--that is the Great Enemy. Somehow each one of us who writes has got to get that guy throttled and under control; he never goes away completely, alas.

A book I've found helpful lately is The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.

[mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, please put them up again! I would love to read them again. Wonderful work by both of you. So moving.
signed,
a fan of yours

[mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about this post since I first read it, and feel as though I have a lot to say, but it's the kind of stuff I don't want to write down. I wish we didn't live on opposite sides of the country -- I probably could say them over a martini or two.

But I'll just say that I feel I understand what you mean, and that I agree with you in many, many ways.

I also really agree with iolanthe_chubb, above, when she says: You have just unlocked the great mystery that is the Internet, where everywhere there are people talking and writing and painting and photographing and critiquing, and all these people are unknown, and nearly all of them are better than nearly all of the so-called "professionals."

That has puzzled me for almost fifteen years.

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

Oh, brava! *applause*

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I was digging around my LJ trying to find all those old posts. I didn't keep any record of the dates when I put up those stories, and the versions I have saved in Word aren't necessarily the final versions (I tend to do a final edit after I post).

baylorsr has most of them in her "Memories" but I know there were two or three there towards the end that weren't filed. And that stuff was written over the course of two years, almost three years ago (hard to believe it's been that long since we stopped writing in that universe). It would be a real task to get it all together, but maybe we'll look into it.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Odd person out---it's not a nice feeling.

No, it's not, is it? I think that's why this thing has gotten to me so hard -- SPN has been a well-established fandom for more than two years and I'm a real latecomer. I've never been close to a BNF in anything but I've always managed to contribute something and this time around I just can't seem to do it. I don't know why it even matters but I'm kind of glad to hear that someone feels the same way!

[oselle.livejournal.com]

You think I run at the mouth here, you should see me after a couple of martinis :).

That has puzzled me for almost fifteen years.

I put up a long post today about how online writers are sometimes recruited for mainstream fiction. I think the media is catching on to the well of talent that's out here, but I still feel like there's some scorn towards all of these people who are just doing it for free. That, and there's so much dross to sift through before you really strike gold. When you're on the inside of fandom, you tend to find your way to the good stuff pretty quickly, but I can imagine that someone "from the outside" trying to prospect through fanfic for good writers must think they've fallen into a sea of crap.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

But that "quirk" in your brain that you speak of--that is the Great Enemy.

It's a deep-rooted, lifelong quirk that unfortunately applies to a lot more than writing. I remember a line from the Tao Te Ching that goes, "To compare one thing to another is a disease of the mind." But I've just never been able to avoid it. I'm not in that Zen place at all, never have been. I'm not even competitive, so it's strange that I feel this way, but I just...hate embarrassing myself. You know, like all those poor souls who try out for American Idol and then get put on television to be laughed at. Bleah.

Do you really find those sorts of books helpful? I tend to find them too New-Agey. They sort of assume that everyone can be creative or artistic and I'm not sure that's true. Or at least, I'm not sure everyone can be good at it. Anyone can create and achieve some sort of satisfaction from the art of creation, whether they're creating a story, a painting or a batch of cookies. But that doesn't necessarily mean they're going to be good at it, even with practice. And it's terrific if someone gets creative fulfillment out of, say, baking those cookies, but if she's a lousy cook I still won't want to eat them!

[layne67.livejournal.com]

Uhm, I have the link, and with your permission?

I think the ones that Baylorsr mem'd are f'locked.

[aliensouldream.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say that I have just sent my feedback on 'Birthright' to baylorsr (asking you to be copied) and I am in awe of this wonderful series. On this evidence, you'd be (pardon me) crazy to think of stopping writing! You are a fantastic writer and I am so glad I followed this post to discover this amazing story. Many thanks!

[lilybaggins.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes... I wish I could get my writing groove back. I never wrote things that many people read, but at least some of my friends enjoyed my fics---I miss giving that.

[oxer12.livejournal.com]

I don't know if you're still checking the comments on this post, but I just wanted to tell you how interesting and enjoyable I've found this discussion to be.

The way you feel about the SPN fic you're talking about is the way I feel about Bill the Pony's "Making of Samwise." I think that's so good it should be published, and I'm amazed she hasn't been discovered (unless she has, and I just don't know about it).

And for what it's worth, I think what you and Baylor created with "Birthright" is one of the greatest fanfics I've ever read.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Me, stop checking comments? Please. I am a comment whore.

I'm gonna tell baylorsr what you said. We are thinking about putting Birthright: The Complete Series up somewhere but there are some technical issues to iron out. We loved working on that and I'm so glad that people still remember it.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

You're welcome -- I'm really glad baylorsr has it up because I'm am hopeless at archiving. I have to use her Memories page to find my own stories.

[oxer12.livejournal.com]

Squee! I hope that happens! :-)

[roque-clasique.livejournal.com]

Everything you said about Big_Pink is how I feel about you.

You are a writer AND an artist. I know this post was a while ago, and I hope you've since come around and admitted to the Greatness that is your writing.

I am going to stop stalking you now, I swear. Go write more fic. Please???

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, if you found this ancient post you really weren't kidding about reading my archive. I repeat: you poor thing!

Everything you said about Big_Pink is how I feel about you.

I hope not because mostly what I felt back then was really, really bad, as this post illustrates. If you had told me back then that I'd eventually crank out a 74,000-word story I'd have said you were nuts. But a big part of the problem (and one that took me a long time to get over) was that I thought I had to write something like Big_Pink. That was stupid. She's amazing but her style and focus as a writer are very different from mine. It seems like that should be elementary but it wasn't, at least not to me back then.

Writing is a weird thing. I have an uncomfortable relationship with it. I like talking about it but I also hate talking about it, because when it comes out well it usually feels like I didn't really have anything to do with it, like I have no business taking credit for it. I'm perversely skeptical of praise and far too easily discouraged by criticism or worse, jealousy of other writers. I'm a champion self-saboteur who's already depressed that I'll never write anything as good as Lazarus. What the fuck, maybe I won't. But...I'm pretty damn surprised that I ever wrote that. To this day I'm stunned that I finished it. Writing is weird. Art is weird. You never know what you have in you, waiting to come out. Don't feel bad. Keep writing. And thank you so much for your kind words and for all the recs. I'm honored, I really am.