oselle | Grindhouse of the Subconscious (Reply)

As I may have mentioned before, I'm a very vivid dreamer. For months now, and I mean for months, I've been plagued by hideous nightmares every single night, or, more accurately, every single morning, since these humdingers always occur immediately before I wake up in the morning. They haven't been horror-movie type stuff (monsters etc.) but really gruesomely realistic stuff. Like in one, I was waiting in an endless line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, wearing a heavy winter coat and sweating like a pig and half-ready to vomit when someone pulls me off the line to tell me there's a phone call for me. Who'd be calling me at the DMV? So I get to the phone and it's my sister telling me my father's just died of heart attack. BOOM, wake up. In another such nightmare, I get a phone call telling me my sister's been killed up in Maine in a car accident. BOOM, wake up. Or I'm at a Christmas party and there's this homeless man wandering around in his pajamas with diarrhea dripping down his pantsleg and then he turns around and I realize he's my father. BOOM, wake up. That kind of shit. Every fucking night.

Last night my subconscious decided to take pity on me and give me a good dream by which I mean, Jensen was in it. Actually, Dean was in it, so that's always a good dream. Very complicated. I'm being held prisoner in some hardscrabble, backroads part of California at a big, rundown house owned by a crazy Pentecostal preacher. The preacher was that guy from the X-Files episode about false prophets, remember, the guy who was faking the stigmata? Anyway, I'm being held prisoner with Eric Stoltz. Only it's not Eric Stoltz, it's his character from Mask. Elephant Boy. The preacher has this idea that he's going to force me and Elephant Boy to go on some sort of deranged cross-country tent revivial with him. See, I was going to be Crazy Preacher's wife and Elephant Boy was going to be some sort of servant, a la Smike in Nicholas Nickleby, but with a freakshow role, as in, he'll be the "Behold the punishment of the Lord!" part of the show. Needless to say, neither Elephant Boy nor I are jazzed about this plan.

Dean had been with us when we got taken prisoner by Crazy Preacher and somehow got away and then made an attempt to rescue us which did not go well and Dean wound up being fed to Crazy Preacher's pack of enormous hogs. Clearly Deadwood has had a big influence on me. By now you're saying, Um, this was a GOOD dream? Well, hold on I'm getting to that part.

Horrified by Dean's grisly porcine demise, and realizing there's no one else to help us, Elephant Boy and I hatch a plan to get rid of Crazy Preacher. Crazy Preacher's making Elephant Boy pack up his disgusting house in preparation for our upcoming traveling roadshow and Elephant Boy's being all servile and shit but that's all part of the plan. I'm sitting in the filthy living room watching Crazy Preacher stalk around testifying. And making plans for our ghastly wedding. Elephant Boy creates some disturbance in the kitchen and comes out all cowering saying that he broke something and when Crazy Preacher turns on him in a fury I jump on his back like a howler monkey and beat him to death with a giant brick. Also a lead pipe. Pretty much whatever comes to hand. Then Elephant Boy and I throw him to the hogs and blow the joint in his pickup truck.

We drive for a while and then stop at a clearing in the woods and lo and behold! There's Dean! He managed to escape the hogpit and naturally looks none the worse for it. Of course he's utterly stunning. The great thing about dreaming about Dean (or Jensen, or whomever you fancy) is that it's just like actually seeing them in person. Hello, gorgeous! Dream-me is wonderfully untroubled by the fact that Dean left us to our grim fates after his escape from Crazy Preacher's den of swine (awake-me is tempted to question this seeming cowardice but awake-me can just STFU because this guy's fucking beautiful in this sun-dappled clearing up in the Sierras. Let me have this, awake-me! Just STFU and let me have this!!)

Anyway, Elephant Boy discreetly vanishes in the woods so that Dean and I can gaze schmoopily at each other, Twilight-style. Overjoyed that Dean was not devoured by pigs, and that I won't be fated to serve as the unwilling concubine of a Bible-thumping lunatic, we move in for a kiss and...BOOM, wake up.

THAT, my friends, is a GOOD dream.