(no subject)

[oselle]

One of my favorite novels is David Copperfield. Early in the story, a young David returns home from school for the winter holidays and finds that his awful stepfather and equally awful sister are away for the evening. David spends a warm evening in the familar old company of his mother, housekeeper and new baby brother. David's mother and brother are soon going to die, and David will be sent away, but of course he doesn't know this. The grown-up David who narrates the novel writes this about that evening:

"We were very happy, and that evening, as the last of its race, and destined evermore to close that volume of my life, will never pass out of my memory."

Last Sunday, Daisy and I spent a good day together. Nothing special, nothing different from all the lazy Sundays we spent together in the past six years. But she was feeling well, and content. I spent the afternoon in the kitchen whipping up some crazy organic cancer-fighting stew for her, and she sat at my feet. Then we took a nap on the couch while it rained, and she had a good dinner. When we went to bed she cuddled up and went to sleep, like always. It was a good day, but all day, that line from David Copperfield kept coming back to me, and although it was a good day it seemed to me to be the last of its race, an end to the volume of my life that I shared with Daisy.

On Monday Daisy's appetite began to wane again, along with her energy. By Wednesday (at 6:30 in the morning nonetheless) I had her back at the animal hospital. They gave her a third dose of the chemotherapy agent Elspar and sent her home, with possible plans to try a new chemo therapy called CCNU (this would be the third strategy so far -- both the Madison and MOPP protocols had failed). Elspar has always induced a good period for Daisy, usually within a couple of days of administration, so I took her home and waited for her mood and appetite to pick up.

This morning I took her back to the hospital because Daisy is neither drinking nor eating on her own. I am spoon feeding her a little babyfood just to keep her from getting too weak -- she's already so shaky that I have to carry her down to the sidewalk to pee, and she can hardly get up from a sitting position on her own.

I spoke very frankly with the doctor and we agreed that there is little point in trying CCNU and that she probably has only a week or so, if that. They gave her some sub-cutaneous fluids and sent me home with an IV bag of the same so that I can hydrate her if I have to. She was too weak to stand when I took her out of her carrier. I put her up on the couch with a heating pad and gave her a few spoonfuls of applesauce and a Tramadol (painkiller). Now she's sleeping.

I have to figure out how I'm going to do this, with Thanksgiving it'll be hard to get a vet to the house for the euthanasia, and I hope she even can last until Friday so that my sister can see her one last time when she comes down on Thursday. Also my company is moving offices this week and we're closing the issue so it'll be almost impossible for me to take any time off.

And I'm just -- just falling to pieces. I'm taking an anti-anxiety medication and that helps take the edge off but sometimes it just overwhelms me, my little girl and there's nothing I can do for her. I think about how when she was a very little puppy if I would get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, she would come and peep in the doorway just to make sure I wasn't going anywhere, how she loved to follow me around during the day and now she's going far away and all by herself, all by herself.

And I think how Daisy came into my life (just like that, I never got Daisy, she came into my life) during one of its lowest periods and everything seemed to get better after that. My little lucky star. And now she's going and all the good is going to go with her. No matter how miserable I was about everything else, Daisy was always the one good thing I had. I used to sing that song to her: "Got no diamonds/got no pearls/still I think I'm a lucky girl/I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night." That was Daisy, my sun and moon, and when I walked down the street with her, I felt lucky. Me.

And so long will I remember last Sunday, our last good day together, the last of its race, the closing of a volume that I never expected to end so soon. My dear little Daisy. My sun and moon.

Comments

[sila-lumenn.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie, you're making me cry. I'm so sorry this is happening. It's never easy to lose those we love. I'm sending all my comforting thoughts your way.

*tight hugs*

[bunniewabbit.livejournal.com]

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I know she was and always will be a bright spot in your life.

[laerwen.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I am wishing and sending peaceful thoughts to you and Daisy for your peace of mind and to ease her passing. I wish there was something more I could say to comfort your grief, except that Daisy will no longer be suffering. She'll be free, and waiting for you.

Please be good to yourself. You deserve it. Lean on people, because you don't have to feel this way all alone.

It's good to see you here, Oselle. You've been missed. We'll still be here if you need to come back again. ♥

[pearlette.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry this is so hard.

I hope that Daisy's last journey is as peaceful as it possibly can be.

(((((Oselle)))))

(((((Daisy))))))

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

Oh dear God, Oselle. I know it doesn't ease your pain, but I'm crying with you. I do know how it fels to lose a beloved companion. I'm so so sorry.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

This is so hard to hear--but worse to be going through. I think about Daisy a lot, and you too. The only comforting thng I can think of is that I know Daisy probably has no bad memories in her life, because you were always there for her just as she was for you. You deserved her, and you deserve more happiness in your life.

[hiraetham.livejournal.com]

I was so, so happy to see your name appear on my f-list, and I am so, so sad to hear this.

I wish your little Daisy peace and rest and lack of pain. I know I don't need to wish her love.

My thoughts will be with you in the upcoming days and weeks.

Also, I hope many, many more lucky stars will come your way.

[lbilover.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Oselle. I've read so much about Daisy here, it felt in a way like I knew her. I've been through this, and I can only say that I understand what you are going through, and my thoughts are with you and Daisy. Remember that at least you can give her the gift of freedom from her pain, and I truly, truly believe that such a bond and love never really ends. She will always be with you.

[caoil.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear this, Oselle. It's never any kind of "right time" to lose someone you care about, and certainly most difficult when they haven't lived out their full span of years.

:-(

thinking of you both...

[aussiepeach.livejournal.com]

Someone once said dogs have only one fault - their lives are so short. I'm so sorry to hear your lucky star is fading, but I'm glad you have those precious memories. ((((hugs))))

[oxer12.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear heart, this is unbearable. :-(

It's never enough time with our beloved friends; never enough. I know how terrifying it is to lose your lucky star. I hope that once the grief lessens (and it won't ever go away completely, but it does ease, I promise), that you can remember all the things you love so much about her with a smile on your face.

I'm so, so sorry. *gigantic hugs*

[tempest-415.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry Oselle.
Try hard to not think about how you are going to miss her, and concentrate on all you can do to make things as good as they can be now. And you CAN do something, you can make sure she knows that you are with her. That is the most important thing to her.
Consider putting your mattress on the floor, get a couple of cheap shower curtain liners to cover it before you put the sheets and blankets on it. Then you two can snuggle at night and for naps, and you can keep in closer touch with her while you're asleep. Get a new, good heating pad, if she's the sort to worry it, tape it to the floor and tape the cord all the way to the plug so that she can't move it, leave on low so she always has a warm place. Put an old but freshly worn tshirt/sweatshirt on top so she can snuggle up with your smell when you have to be gone (but don't cover the pad too much or it can over-heat). If walks are getting too much for her, but she won't use paper, get another shower curtain liner and tap it to the floor (wash curtain liners first to get rid of as much plastic smell as you can). Put some catlitter and dirt on top, put a bush there too, if she needs that.
Live by her schedule. Whether or not your sister sees her again is not important. Understand that arranging for a vet to come over doesn't always work out. Keep cab fare ready for a trip to the 24 hour vet, and write the cab numbers down by the phone, if you have to use them, you may be too upset to remember them. Remember that she doesn't have to be in her carrier to travel unless you can't control her. You can wrap her in a towel or blanket and hold her against your chest so she can bury her nose there and be comforted by that.
Don't think that you can't do anything for her, you can make her feel loved. That is all you have ever been able to do. Everything else you have ever done for her is just an expression of that love. If she knows she's loved then you have done everything she wants from you.

I wish that I could help you more.
Please let us know how you are, I'm sure I'm not the only one worried about you.

[suspect-terrain.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Oselle. :(

[merylmarie.livejournal.com]

My heart just aches for you; you write so beautifully about what it is to love and treasure a pet. Knowing that we can give them, as a last gift of love, a painless passing, is no small thing. Please let me know if I can help this week. I have my days free as of Tuesday, and I can sit with her while you're at work if need be. ((((((oselle and Daisy))))))

[hybridutensil.livejournal.com]

I realize I've said this before, but that's because there's little else I can say to ease your pain and heartache (but believe me when I say that if there were a way for me to reach through this computer to make everything okay and take away the bad, I would do it in a heartbeat):

{{{{{{{{{{Oselle's baby}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{Daisy's momma}}}}}}}}}}}

:*(

[elanor1013.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about Daisy's illness. It is so hard to lose a friend like her. I am glad you had a good day together, and I'm sure you'll always remember it. I hope you always have good memories of your time together.

[fictualities.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Oselle. This sucks unbelievably. I've lost a pet under similar circumstances, and yeah, this can feel overwhelming. Endings SUCK, they SUCK, and nothing can make them not suck or keep them from happening. But we can influence the life that comes before, and you've done that. Daisy is loved. So many people and animals go through life without experiencing that kind of love, but thanks to you Daisy has. ((((((((((Oselle)))))))))) ((((((((((((Daisy))))))))))))

[lindelea1.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry to read this. We've taken a dying dog to the vet, and we took another beloved fourteen-year friend, because of a sudden emergency, to the emergency animal hospital where her life ended, in a strange, cold, hard place, and our last, we called the kind of vet who comes to your house, and I must say that the last is the best way, if you can manage it.

We petted and sang and talked, and our little ones hugged him and snuggled him and the vet just sat there, patient and sorrowful, gentle and kind, until we were ready. (Not that we were ever ready, as I'm sure you know. But it had to be.)

She even sent us a comforting book and sympathy card a few days afterward. Not that there is any comfort. But it was a nice gesture.

I am glad that you were given that last good day, and that you were able to savour it and recognise it.

I hope that the coming days are peaceful ones for you and your sweet little star.

[cpsings4him.livejournal.com]

*crying with you*