(no subject)

[oselle]

Okay so first of all we start with THE ROAD SO FAR and we get a fabulous shot of Dean's blissfully muscled back clad in his white Hanes t-shirt while he's wandering around St. Dismal Medical Center in the Season Two premiere and we can never have enough of Dean's blissfully muscled back. Playing over this is the sonorous tolling of a bell and OMG is that "Hell's Bell's?" YOU BET YOUR ASS IT'S "HELL'S BELLS!" AC/DC's inimitable guitaring slams us through some of the highlights from the past two seasons as Brian Johnson starts screaming about coming on like a hurricane and I'm so worked up at this point that I'm not even sitting on the couch, just perched on a tiny little wedge of it, grinning like the pure, unadulerated asshole that I am. Johnson shrieks that "you're only young, but you're gonna die!" right (and I'm sure, intentionally) over a perfect tough-guy shot of Dean Winchester and I just can't type Dean Winchester enough, ever.

OK, enough with the reminiscing, welcome to NOW. Some suburban Joe Schmoe in what we're told is "Oak Park, Illinois" in front of a weirdly matted shot of Chi-town takes his trash out and suddenly a massive storm cloud gathers above his head. Considering Illinois is tornado country (it is, isn't it?) you'd think Joe would get in his cellar but NO he stands there and stares at it. Of course, this is no ordinary storm cloud and poor Joe is soon swallowing black smoke until his eyes turn black and we all know what THAT means, don't we?

Cut from Joe Schmoe to new title card with what appears to be claws and a Devil's Trap and then SUPERNATURAL YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!

Poor Sam is parked out in the Impala diligently reading Faust and this made me SO HAPPY because I'd been telling baylorsr (and told her again in my screeching, incoherent 10 pm phone call) that what this show needs is more CREEPY WOODCUTS OF IMPS OF SATAN and now WE GOT 'EM!!! Enough with the English Lit syllabus stuff because THERE'S DEAN appearing in some motel-room window IN A WHITE BEATER giving Sam a big, giddy thumbs-up because he's totally about to get some. Apparently a LOT of "some." This settles something I'd been wondering about, namely, what the fuck does Sam do when Dean's gettin' his freak on and I thought, oh I hope he doesn't wait out in the car BUT HE DOES. Poor Sam, doesn't he know that MANY MANY diners in the United States serve all-night breakfast? Because let me tell you something, if there's one thing that makes America great, it's all-night breakfast. God bless America and I'll take sausage AND bacon with that, thanks, darlin'.

Sam's phone rings and it's Bobby! BOBBY! BOBBY! BOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYY! The wondrously scruffy and OMG-I-LOVE-YOU Bobby informs Sam that "he's found something," and Sam interrupts Dean in media res to inform him of this fact and apparently sees things that he totally wishes he hadn't...like he hasn't seen this before considering what a horny little bastard Dean is. Later, Sam asks Dean for his knife so he can gouge his own eyes out to erase the memory of "a part of you I never wanted to see" and I'm all WHICH PART!?!? WHICH PART!?!?!?!?!?!?

There's some blah-blah between the boys about storm clouds being sighted over different cities and then they're pulling up to a farmhouse "Just outside Lincoln, Nebraska" and God help us, Dean is chowing down on a giant bacon cheeseburger for breakfast. Bobby turns up to chide Dean about his dietary habits and Dean wiseacres that with one year to live he "ain't sweatin' the cholesterol." Dean's TOTALLY missing the point here, THE POINT being that anyone who eats a giant bacon cheeseburger for breakfast is very shortly going to have to take one hell of a horrifying, sticky, stinking cheeseburger shit and oh dear God I wish my head didn't work this way but it's all I can think about. And not just ANY horrifying, sticky, stinking cheeseburger shit but one in some REST STOP bathroom or tiny MOTEL ROOM and there's no way in hell Dean Winchester is a courtesy flusher. He's gonna stink up that bathroom and CACKLE about it, isn't he? Oh, Sam, please tell me you have a can of Glade in that arsenal of yours. Not that it matters because then you just wind up with "Spring Flowers" cheeseburger shit or "Clean Linen" cheeseburger shit or worst of all "Strawberry Fields" cheeseburger shit and that just makes it worse, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Dean Winchester, you heartless prick.

At this point I should note that Bobby seems to have abandoned his junkyard pickup for some fabulous Detroit rolling iron of his own. You can see the rear end of Bobby's car as he leans his wondrously scruffy butt on it and though all you can make out is a late-60s/early-70s sloping roofline and double-barrel taillights, I'm pretty sure it's a Chevy Chevelle and BOY am I glad that I've been spending some time on muscle-car websites lately for completely random and inexplicable reasons. Now, it should be noted that the 1967 Impala coupe, or two-door model, also featured a sloping rear roofline which the sedan, or four-door model, did not (THE Impala being a sedan). The Chevelle, however was a little sportier than the Impala coupe, so I'm pretty sure that Bobby's new ride is a Chevelle. This two-door business will be important later so keep it in mind.

Dean does his usual lock-picking to get into the farmhouse and all three of them gag on some foul odor once inside. Bobby inexplicably disappears into a back room -- is he going to puke? Or did the cameraman just need to get him out of the shot? If it's the latter then this is one of the klutziest bits of stage direction I've ever seen -- don't they realize how attentively we watch this show?

Sam and Dean, now Bobbyless, case the house with guns drawn, both looking wicked hot. They bust into a living room that's buzzing with flies and apparently ripe with the stench of death to find three corpses rotting away in front of the blaring TV. Bobby reappears to grimace over the stench of death. Dean tells them to check for sulfur.

Dean hears something outside and he whistles sharply to get Sam's attention and THEN makes this very business-like, paratrooperish hand gesture to Sam that I find BLISTERINGLY HOT. As in, OMG, thank God I recorded this so I can watch Dean do this AGAIN AND AGAIN. There's just something about a man making business-like, paratrooperish hand gestures. PLUS it gives you the very cool idea that Sam and Dean are so in tune with each other that they don't need to talk and by now I'm turning into butter on the floor because I SO SO LOVE THIS SHOW.

Dean stalks outside where he is jumped and pummeled by a couple that Bobby incredulously identifies as "Isaac" and "Tamara" and WE'RE ONLY TEN MINUTES IN AND DEAN HAS ALREADY GOTTEN SOCKED IN THE FACE!! Do they know what we love or what?

Bobby, Isaac and Tamara share a heartfelt reunion moment while Dean pussily complains that he's bleeding, like that's something new. Dean...when aren't you bleeding? Tamara, it should be noted, has a FANTASTIC English accent and I am such a sucker for English accents that immediately I'm wondering why we need blonde "badasses" who aren't even old enough to drink when we have someone as potentially fabulous as Tamara on the scene?

Then I get kinda confused 'cause we're suddenly in a big house full of hunter paraphernalia. I presume this is Isaac and Tamara's house. Tamara shows off her gorgeous Hail Britannia accent while Dean schmoozes some "Jenny" on the phone to get the coroner's report on the three flyblown farmhouse corpses who, it turns out, died of dehydration and starvation, just rotting away in front of the tube. Isaac then informs OUR BOYS that he's not interested in teaming up with "the damn fools who let the Devil's Gate get opened in the first place." Dean does his patented slow burn.

Outside the house, a blonde badass who's not even old enough to drink suddenly materializes like a Ninja from the darkness to glare at the house in some inscrutable way from behind great rings of gummy black eyeliner. Is she evil? Of course she's not, we've all seen the commercial and know she's the girl who's going to "save Sam's ass." I'm already weary of this concept. Can I just note here that the costumers for this show really, really need to put their female characters in better clothes? They've been dressing these gals in skinny jeans and cropped jackets since 2005 (q.v.: Meg) and I don't even know what to call this look. J.Crew meets trailer park? God.

Cut to some cheesy boutique and there's Joe Schmoe from the teaser! He approaches a freakishly cross-eyed woman and points out some "nice shoes" that another woman is checking out. Cross-eyed woman agrees, "those are nice shoes!" and heads over to the other woman and OMG...these are the ugliest shoes on the face of the earth. Kelly green, basket-weave pumps. Should I give the producers credit for the green color? Are they that clever? Because you see, cross-eyed woman is now under such a spell of envy that she's about to slaughter this other poor gal for these awful, awful shoes.

Do I need to point out that both of these women are wearing skinny jeans and cropped jackets? Grooooooan.

I'm getting ahead of myself by telling you about the "envy" thing but I have to say that killing over shoes is a pretty lame display of envy. You want to see real envy? Just crawl into my soul and check out the corrupted, rotting, green part of it that's entirely dedicated to hating J.K. Rowling over the BILLIONS OF DOLLARS she's made on that ridiculous, one-dimensional piece of maudlin, schmaltzy, love-saves-the-day crap that passes for "the definitive fantasy epic of our time." All was well? ALL WAS WELL!?! What the fuck kind of ending is that!?!?! And don't even get me started on the endless camping trip and the pointless Elder Wand and OMG Dumbledore is a devious prick and and and.........

Deep cleansing breaths. Deep cleansing breaths.

Sam and Dean show up at the cheesy boutique and Dean gets busy flirting with a shopgirl while Sam gives him the bitchface about it. Dean then barks out a melodramatic cough like one of those mock Dickensian orphans that occasionally turn up on The Simpsons and tells Sam that he "doesn't have much time left" so he's "gotta make every second count." This is such assholey behavior that if I were Sam I'd have slapped Dean in the face but because I'm not Sam, but rather a simpering, hopeless Deangirl I LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT.

THEN Bobby suddenly turns up IN A SUIT after posing as "an attorney for the D.A.'s office" and BOBBY! BOBBY! BOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYY! In a SUIT! Suit or not, he's still somehow wondrously scruffy and has lost NONE of his delicious junkyard squishability.

After checking out the boutique's security tapes, they realize Joe Schmoe is their guy. They split up and out on the street, Sam is suddenly tailed by the blonde badass who, we now see, takes time from her hunting duties to arrange her locks in perfect little spiral curls. Sam turns around but she's pulled a Ninjalike vanishing act.

Outside a bar, Bobby (devoid of suit) and Sam are on stakeout for Joe Schmoe in Bobby's Chevelle. Remember what I said about the two-door thing? Good, because when Sam turns up he has to get in the back seat and there's only one way to do that in a two-door. Utter HILARITY ensues when Sam oafishly origamis his seven-foot frame into that backseat, practically giving Dean a concussion by SMASHING him forward into the dashboard. The look on Dean's face is priceless and you know he totally deserves this because I'm sure he called shotgun! like a giant twelve-year-old pain-in-the-ass because God forbid Dean Winchester should ride in the backseat. Even better would have been if the glove compartment had blown open -- like it usually does when someone smashes you forward while trying to crawl into the backseat of a two-door -- and spilled a shitload of crazy Bobby-crap out onto Dean's lap. Alas, no time for that.

There's some blah-blah about the "demons we let out" of the Gate and then Joe Schmoe, whose real name is "Walter Rosen" shows up at the bar. Bobby advises caution. Dean protests the idea of "sitting here with our junk in our hands" and now I'm thinking about Dean's junk. As I'm sure was intended.

Isaac and Tamara show up and head into the bar. Bobby and the boys stay in the car to see what transpires. What's transpiring is that the bar is a demon bar and Isaac and Tamara are trapped. COMPLETLY INEXPLICABLY, Dean and Bobby know that Isaac and Tamara are trapped and are outside attempting to break down the now-locked door. Huh? How did they know this? Oh lord, when will I learn to stop asking questions about this show?

Something truly awful happens now when one of the demons offers Isaac a big jug of thick, yellow drain cleaner and Isaac inexplicably begins to chug it down like a cold beer on a hot day. Watching this came very close to making me gag and is probably the most genuinely dreadful thing I've ever seen on this show, even though it did remind me a little of Heathers. Poor Isaac starts coughing up a great deal of blood and passes out on the floor. Just as the demons are about to inflict the same fate on Tamara, Bobby's Chevelle comes CRASHING in reverse through the wall. Sam hauls Tamara into the Chevelle while Bobby and Dean fend off the demons with holy water and oh. My. God. How much fun is it to watch Bobby in the shit? How much fun is it to watch Bobby and Dean in the shit together? Did you enjoy this as much as I did? I have such adoration for Bobby, not just as his wondrously scruffy self but as a surrogate father for both of these guys and especially for Dean. I swear, I'm getting a little choked up about it. I greatly prefer Bobby to the real Pappy Winchester. I have to go and watch all the Bobby episodes going back to Season One.

Dean throws Walter Rosen into the Chevelle's trunk, which is imprinted on the inside with a Devil's Trap. He hauls ass into the front seat shouting, "Go! Go! Go!" at his Dad Bobby and I'm just GIDDY over how much ass this scene kicked.

Back at Tamara's house, Walter Rosen's tied up beneath a Devil's Trap. Tamara wants to go back for Isaac and Dean studfully offers to go with her. Sam hollers that it's suicidal and Dean snaps that he's "dead already." Oh, Dean!!

Bobby, now in his wise oracle mode, announces a discovery: the demons they're fighting are actually incarnations of the Seven Deadly Sins. Dean does a Brad Pitt impression from Se7en which is poorly received by all, especially me since I so wholly hated that movie. Bobby produces something called Binsfield's Classification of Demons and all I can think is "Spates Catalog! Tobin's Spirit Guide!" Ah, Ghostbusters. You've ruined me for this stuff forever.

Seems the flyblown farmhouse family died of SLOTH. Walter Rosen, who inspired the shoe murder, is the embodiment of ENVY. Isaac was compelled to drink Drano by GLUTTONY. Bobby rants scruffily. Tamara fumes in the Queen's English. Sam and Dean stalk off to see what ENVY's up to.

The gang confronts ENVY to find out what the demons/sins want. ENVY very coolly quotes one of the most frightening lines in The Bible, "I am Legion," then ruins this chilling quote by talking waaay too much, as all of the demons do on this show.

Dean allows Tamara to do the exorcism honors and you know what? Only people with British accents should be allowed to chant in Latin. Sounds imposing and majestic when they do it. When they boys do it...not so much. We Americans just ain't got it. All-night breakfast, yes. The ability to chant beautifully in Latin, no.

Dean offers to stay at the house and head off the demons/sins while the rest of them make a break for it. Sam tells Dean "if we're going down, we're going down together," clearly foreshadowing how he feels about Dean's impending doom. ENVY is eliminated, taking poor Walter Rosen with him.

Sam and Dean lock and load for the coming battle by candlelight. They suddenly pause to share a silent, fraught-with-meaning look. By candlelight. I fucking DEFY you not to love this show.

A cracked old Depression-era radio suddenly buzzes into life playing an old timey spiritual hymn. Obviously, evil is near. Horrifyingly, Isaac turns up, calling out to Tamara. Isaac, of course, is not Isaac, and he taunts Tamara about the murder of their daughter, which is what made them become hunters in the first place. Tamara leaps out of the house and stakes "Isaac." All the other demons/sins show up then. Bobby is briefly menaced by GLUTTONY, but manages to snare him in a Devil's Trap while needlessly quoting Animal House. Dean, naturally, gets cornered by LUST, like we didn't see that coming. What I actually didn't see coming is saintly Sam getting pegged by the immensely creepy PRIDE who, quite awesomely, knows all about Sam Winchester. Nice, nice touch.

Dean's macking away on LUST when he manages to thrust her head into a bowl of holy water. We know it's holy 'cause it's got a rosary floating in it and oh...how I love it when they use the sacred articles of my ancient Catholic faith in their kooky plots! No, seriously, I LOVE it. I've often teased my non-Catholic friends about how when the Apocalyptic shit really comes down, they're all gonna come crying to me. What are you gonna do when demons are swarming over the earth? Call a Presbyterian? Please. I got it all, baby! Rosaries, crucifixes, holy water, Latin Mass...I've got stuff you've never even heard of! Scapulars? Miraculous Medals? Breastplate of St. Patrick? You name it. As Bart Simpson said, once you go Vatican, you never go back again. One of these days I'm going to do a write-up about this show's uncomfortable relationship with religion but I'll spare you that diatribe today.

Back in the house of picturesque candlelight, Dean -- who's a completely helpless horndog in any ordinary male/female situation -- has somehow managed to break free from THE LIVING INCARNATION OF LUST HERSELF and thank goodness I've banished logic from my house until next May because otherwise this ridiculously convenient escape WOULD MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Sam's not doing quite as well against PRIDE along with two other unidentified demons/sins. Who else is left? GREED and SLOTH I guess, but wouldn't you expect SLOTH to be kind of useless in a situation like this? Apparently even SLOTH can rise to the occasion now and then. As I prove every day that I manage to show up at the office.

Luckily for Sammy, the blonde badass finally appears to pull a dagger from her thigh-strapped scabbard, sort of like Ursula Andress in Dr. No and we lapse into some slow-mo demon killing. And after two whole years of being told that only THE COLT and its MAGIC BULLETS were capable of killing demons, we now discover that a MAGICAL THIGH-STRAPPED DAGGER in the hands of a barely-legal goldilocked huntress can also do the same. After dispatching the demons, Ruby -- for I assume this is Ruby, though she does not give her name -- smirkily schools Sam that she's the girl who just saved his ass and vanishes Ninjalike into the Nebraskan night.

Morning, and Tamara burns Isaac's body because apparently, it's perfectly legal and inconspicuous to BURN A HUMAN BODY OUTDOORS anywhere in America. "Officer, I saw it on the teevee! Really!" The now-exorcised former hosts of LUST and GLUTTONY are the only survivors of the Seven. Sam and Dean bury the others, apparently completely unconcerned about who these people actually were before they were possessed by demons. Like...maybe someone's out there looking for them? Dean? Sam? Bobby? Hellooo?? But never mind this little moral quandary because it's time to wonder aloud about the blonde's identity and her MAGICAL THIGH-STRAPPED DAGGER that can kill demons just like the Colt. Dean gives Sam shit about being rescued by a girl. Ah, Dean. You poor benighted fool. Don't you know she's badass??

The wonderful and truly badass Tamara makes a nicely restrained exit and I certainly hope this isn't the last we see of her. Bobby advises the boys to keep their eyes peeled for "omens," then climbs into his excellent Chevelle and splits. Dean wonders "where to" and Sam hints at visiting a "hoodoo priestess" in Louisiana who might be able to get Dean out of his deal. We close this fun and quite ass-kicking season premiere with a very, very nice bit of angst between the boys.

Dean reveals to Sam that any effort on his part to break the deal will result in Sam's death, and that if Sam pursues this, Dean will stop him himself. Sam finally says what I've been waiting for -- that if Dean couldn't live with Sam dead, how is Sam supposed to live with Dean dead? Sam tells him he's "selfish," and Dean couldn't care less.

"Truth is, after everything I've done for this family, I'm think I'm entitled," he tells Sam and OH, DEAN. Entitled to what, you poor soul? To go to Hell? You're killing me here, Dean Winchester. Killing me. Can I come with you to Hell? It looks like all the coolest people will be there.

Dean goes on to tell Sam that he's tired, and he looks tired, even with his beautiful face. Does Jensen Ackles stay up all night before filming this stuff that he can sometimes manage to look so completely exhausted? Dean says he now sees a "light at the end of the tunnel."

"It's Hellfire, Dean," Sam answers, but Dean blows him off and invites Sam to "raise a little hell." Sam declares Dean "unbelievable." Dean cockily agrees. Cue heavy metal guitar riff and we're back in the Impala, heading out for the highway.

Aaaaaaand...blackout. Welcome back, Supernatural. Welcome the fuck back.

Comments

[alchemie.livejournal.com]

OMG! You absolutely kill me! Best. Review. EVER!!!!!!

*worships at the altar of oselle*

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I can't believe how long it took to write this thing. I thought I'd just tear through it but damn, once you start there's so much to say! Glad you enjoyed it.

[cpsings4him.livejournal.com]

Why did I have to answer the phone and miss most of this?? Why?? Thank you for the wonderfully detailed recounting.

Dean's TOTALLY missing the point here, THE POINT being that anyone who eats a giant bacon cheeseburger for breakfast is very shortly going to have to take one hell of a horrifying, sticky, stinking cheeseburger shit and oh dear God I wish my head didn't work this way but it's all I can think about. And not just ANY horrifying, sticky, stinking cheeseburger shit but one in some REST STOP bathroom or tiny MOTEL ROOM and there's no way in hell Dean Winchester is a courtesy flusher. He's gonna stink up that bathroom and CACKLE about it, isn't he? Oh, Sam, please tell me you have a can of Glade in that arsenal of yours. Not that it matters because then you just wind up with "Spring Flowers" cheeseburger shit or "Clean Linen" cheeseburger shit or worst of all "Strawberry Fields" cheeseburger shit and that just makes it worse, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Dean Winchester, you heartless prick.

*cackles*

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry I had to put that bit in but in all honesty it was all I could think about when I saw that. A bacon cheeseburger on an empty stomach, first thing in the morning???? That's a recipe for disaster.

I wish you could have gotten to watch the whole episode since you haven't watched the show before. The recap gives you the rundown but not the total experience!

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

Fanfuckingtastic, Oselle. I love your review as much as I loved the episode. I'm totally with you on Tamara. All the while I'm watching her, I'm wondering why they want a couple of Barbie-doll "badass" girl demon-hunters when they've got a classy demon killer like Tamara? I guess you have to be male to understand that. And Bobby and his beat up car just rock the house.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess you do have to be male to understand. Fandom seems to be so heavily populated by women that it's hard to know what men really think of stuff like this. Does putting in an attractive young blonde really draw the male viewers that the CW supposedly wants so badly? Or are those guys just off watching wrestling anyway?

I'm looking forward to the rest of the season. The premiere, as all of the premieres, was written by Eric Kripke and he's big on the sex and violence and doesn't handle emotion or characterization so well. Once the regular writing crew takes over I think we'll see a lot more of the good stuff that really drives us wild. Though I'm sure that Raelle Tucker will be greatly missed, especially since she always wrote such great stuff for Dean.

[ghyste.livejournal.com]

delicious junkyard squishability

If I had any talent at icon-making, that'd be my default right now!

Incidentally, if you ever need a Brit to come round and chant in Latin I'd be more than happy to do the honours. I studied Latin for an entire year and have been told that I sound exactly like Julie Andrews if the wind is in the right direction...

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I studed Latin for three years and had to pass a state exam in it and I don't remember a damn thing except something about Gaul being a whole divided into four parts (Gallia est omnia...). I can whip off a mean Agnus Dei however.

But more importantly...how does the premiere sound to you? I mean, minus my blather.

[ghyste.livejournal.com]

Three years? You're practically a Winchester!

Currently I feel hopeful about the premiere, but it kind of depends whose post I've been reading. I shouldn't be such a spoiler whore, but it's that or giving up reading LJ and huge swathes of fic until I can either figure out download or get my hands on someone else's :(

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Just put out a call for help on your LJ. I'm sure there are plenty of people who can tell you how to download it or can send you theirs. Sadly, I'm no help in this area, especially since you're in the UK. Have you tried the CW's official site?

[ghyste.livejournal.com]

Someone on my FL put up a link that should work in the UK, so my computer is busy doing arcane things while I'm in the office and, with luck, I should get to see those stumpy little bow legs tonight!

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I wanna hear ALL about it! Stumpy RULES!

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Oh and by the way, there's at least one moment of unbelievable bow-leggedness in the premiere, so you really, really have to get that download.