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[oselle]

Just back from a long weekend chez baylorsr, who lured me out to the wilds of Michigan with her extensive catalog of DVDs and TiVod Smallville episodes. On my flight out, I kept thinking that there are precious few 40-year-old women who will fly 500 miles to watch television all weekend. Don't they have television in New York? Not like this they don't. At least, not yet. Just wait till I hop on Amazon tomorrow.

The subject of this weekend's research was Proto-Dean Winchester, i.e., shows that starred Dean Winchester before he found his true incarnation as same. Ratings for Prettiness and Proto-Deanness will be on a 1-10 scale. Let's start off with...

Dawson's Creek, Season Whatever
Or better yet, let's not. Proto-Dean, here called "C.J.", has a dreadfully floppy Dawsonesque hairdo and is carrying a surprising heft of babyfat on his face. Still beautiful, but you'll have to watch him being schmoopy with Michelle Williams, who is somehow sharing her bed with a naked proto-Dean Winchester while wearing heavy flannel pajamas buttoned up to her neck. What?? Such implausible idiocy cannot be tolerated for long. Only valuable for heavy-duty research and saying "What the fuck!?" a lot.
Pretty Rating: I'm going with a 6 here, mostly due to bad hair.
Proto-Dean Rating: God, no more than a 2, and that for physical resemblance more than anything.


Dark Angel, Season Two
Like saying, "What the fuck!?" You'll have plenty of chances to practice that pithy phrase when you watch this bizarre sci-fi mishmash that somehow limped through two seasons on Fox. We skipped through most of this to get to the proto-Dean parts, so there could be a very good show somewhere under that fast-forward button, but I wouldn't count on it.

Dark Angel's 21-year-old proto-Dean is Alec, no last name. He starts out the season with nothing but a serial number because he's a genetically engineered supersoldier in a dystopian yet somehow blindingly sunny Seattle-of-the-future. He's been cloned from a previous version of himself by a supposedly evil corporation named Manticore, but I don't see what's so evil about creating human beings that look like Alec. Apparently, the producers feel the same way because throughout the season they treat us to Alec in various modes of undress, most often with his shirt off and once, very memorably, clad in nothing but a very low-slung towel. Did I mention that he's 21 years old? Yes? Well, did I mention that he spends part of one episode locked in an Ultimate Fighting Championship-style deathmatch while wearing nothing but silky black kung-fu pants? Oh yes, I have your attention now, don't I?

The great drawback of this series is that they apparently thought Jessica Alba, playing "Max," a fellow "transgenic" and Manticore escapee, was the star. I'll admit she's pretty and has a great body but she sure doesn't have the acting chops to support a whole series and as pretty as she is, Alec is still prettier. Let's face it, Alec is prettier than everyone. Jensen Ackles also acts rings around Alba, outshining her in every scene that they have together, although I'll admit they had nice chemistry -- not romantic, more like brother-sister. But I'm becoming convinced that Jensen Ackles could have chemistry with a tree stump.

Alec plays the self-involved, cynical wiseacre to Max's painfully earnest heroine and he is consistently more interesting than she is. It doesn't help that, unlike Max, Alec is actually given a great character arc, going from willing Manticore operative to ass-kicking freedom fighter over the course of the season. Alec is so captivating that you want to see more of him, but the story keeps going back to the woefully one-noted Max, her incredibly dull romance with some guy named Logan, and even such embarassingly lame supporting characters as a mutant dog-faced boy. I'm not kidding about that last part. James Cameron thought that a mutant dog-faced boy was as interesting as the beautiful and secretly haunted Alec. Are you surprised this show is off the air?

Poor Jensen Ackles acts his incredibly fine, barely-legal ass off, gamely selling the hell out of some truly dreadful material. But every time things start to get good, they cut to Max, often completely and unforgivably missing out on Ackles's particular flair for angst. Alec's chronic smart-assing does, however, provide some much-needed spirit and levity to the lugubriously dull goings-on.

Have to mention that one episode, "The Berrisford Agenda," is essentially devoted to Alec's grim backstory and we get to see him a) wearing a lovely suit and charming, rimless glasses; b) glistening, and I mean glistening in a swimming pool and c) being painfully reprogrammed by Manticore after he deliberately blows a Jason Bourne-esque mission...for love. Sigh! He's so tormented! Such suffering under that wisecracking exterior! Oh, the possibilities!! Alas, we soon find ourselves back with Max. As if we cared.
Pretty Rating: Going with an 8, only because Alec's extreme youth renders him almost too pretty and also makes me feel like a real dirty old broad.
Proto-Dean Rating: Alec's flippant, fatalistic nature allows for some great proto-Dean moments, and he really works the angst when they let him, so I'll say a 6.


Smallville, Season Four
GOOD GOD!

I think I inflicted some contusions on poor baylorsr while viewing this.

Proto-Dean is here known as "Jason Teague," who's introduced to us as the darling boy who sweeps Lana off her feet in Paris, then follows her back to Smallville like a lovesick puppy where they live together but apparently don't have sex, quite possibly one of the most unbelievable things ever put on television, including the mutant dog-faced boy. Never mind this bit of stupidity though, because Jason's got one hell of a trip ahead of him and you'll be there for every agonizing step of the way.

After following Lana back to Smallville, Jason signs on as Smallville High's assistant football coach, where he sports a delightfully preppy uniform and gets to radiate golden light out on the playing field. Things pretty much go downhill from there and if you thought Dean Winchester was tragic, you ain't seen nothin' yet. An intensely convoluted plot involving Lana's witchy ancestors, some freaky artifacts and Jason's horrifying mother, Genevieve, will eventually turn Jason from a preppy sweetheart into a tortured madman running through the woods with blood streaming down his face. In between these two extremes, Jason will get beaten, stabbed, shot, strangled, thrown out of windows...and oh God!...chained up and electrocuted in a Chinese prison where he is also forced to watch the love of his life being tortured and then possessed by a centuries-dead witch! Now that's what I'm talking about!! These folks could teach those idiots at Dark Angel a lesson!

Jensen Ackles sells all this with so much gusto I don't know how he didn't rupture something. He's just as believable as Lana's devoted boyfriend at the beginning of the season as he is as the utter wreck of a human being he becomes by the end. Special props have to go to Jane Seymour, playing Jason's appalling mother to the absolute hilt. Watching Jason succumb to her manipulative (and disturbingly sexual) influence is a thing of horrible beauty. Watching this tragic young man's entire life crumble to ashes is unforgettable.
Pretty Rating: OFF THE CHARTS, and enhanced by some of the best lighting on television. Think candlelight. Lots and lots of candlelight.
Proto-Dean Rating: I'll say a 9. Jason lacks Dean's devil-may-care insouciance but his angst is dead-on. Helps that this season was the one just before Supernatural premiered, so Jason's got the same look as Dean, even, it seems, some of the same wardrobe.

Much, much thanks to baylorsr and her sister for their wonderful hospitality and all the fantastic viewing!

Comments

[ghyste.livejournal.com]

If I was going to engineer a supersoldier, he would definitely look like Dean. You seen Devour yet? Not much nudity, but tons of angst and running through the woods - plus you get to see proto-Dean fake a very pretty orgasm.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

If I was going to engineer a supersoldier, he would definitely look like Dean.

He's confound the enemy with lust. How could they possibly concentrate on fighting?

Haven't seen Devour but angst? Running through the woods? Orgasms? Daaamn. What's the basic premise?

[ghyste.livejournal.com]

You expect me to register premises when Jensen is faking orgasms?

Oh, all right - proto-Dean's friend signs him up for an online game for his birthday and then odd and nasty things start to happen and it turns out that he may not be who he thought he was.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

God, that sounds awful. What's the Proto-Dean Rating?

[ghyste.livejournal.com]

I'll give it a 7 for Pretty and an 8 for Proto-Dean, mainly due to the running around in the forest and occasionally killing people bits.

It's also very cheap - I got it from Amazon for £3.50 (about $7.27 I think)

[i-o-r-h-a-e-l.livejournal.com]

*sighs*

You could perhaps go to [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s LJ for the caps of those series.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Mmmm...caps. Thanks for the tip!

[arabia764.livejournal.com]

I sat and watched the whole of Dark Angel without fast forwarding it once -- even the episodes I didn't know he wasn't in. If that ain't a good fan I don't know what is.

By the end I was not only (secretly, I'm 40+ for God's sake) in love with Alec but also of the opinion that mutant dog face boy was a waaaay better actor than that Jessica girl.

Stupid, stupid series but oh boy, is he ever pretty in it.

Is it worth actually buying Smallville or do you think getting the clips off the net is enough? I need another obsessed, older woman's view here.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Kudos to anyone who could sit through all of Dark Angel. It reminded me of all the awful shows that filled the airways in the 70s and 80s, especially crap like Max Headroom, which was at least visually interesting in a godawful MTV 1980s sort of way. Alec was just about the only worthwhile thing in this show, IMO. God love him and kudos to him too for managing to act his little heart out opposite Jessica Alba's completely wooden presence.

We fast-forwarded through a lot of Smallville too, so I can't really tell you if the whole season is worth owning. I couldn't care less about Clark or Lex or Lana or anyone else who's a main character on this show, which I never even watched once before this weekend. If you feel like spending the money, it might be nice to have Jason Teague in full DVD glory, and there might be some bonus features that are worth checking out. Otherwise, just get the clips off the net. I wish I could just get "The Berrisford Agenda" on DVD -- I sure don't want the whole season of Dark Angel unless I can find it at a tag sale or something. Hmm...wonder if that episode is still available for download? Was he gorgeous in his glasses or what!?

[arabia764.livejournal.com]

Jessica Alba in that show officially deserves to be on my 'Woman who need a damned good slap' list (yes, I actually have a list. Hell, I'm a woman-of-a-certain-age, I deserve a list.) It is currently headed by Victoria Beckham (never known a woman who more needed a damned good slap.)

Jessica, or Max, always has this pouty little face 'poor little me having to save everyone again.' After a while it just gets to you. Come on, admit it, you could slap her at times.

The Berrisford Agenda is a damned fine episode but I know I could watch him taking his top off and saying, 'I'm your breeding partner,' more than once.

He was only 21 at the time???? Damn, that's bad, that's really, really bad.

[arabia764.livejournal.com]

PS I did only pay £18 for Dark Angel and I was on the boring holiday from hell and, and, and....

I'm not going to make it any better, am I?

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Keep those rationalizations coming!

I went to the store today to see if they had it used.

*hangs head*

[arabia764.livejournal.com]

I found Smallville season 4 for £17.99 on amazon.... that's not a lot, is it??? Is it?

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I don't know, what's that in dollars these days? About $36? I don't think that's so bad...I just saw it here in a bookstore (not online) for 60 bucks. Just checked the US Amazon site and it's $42.99, so you're getting a better deal.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Come on, admit it, you could slap her at times.

Max is hardly interesting enough to bother slapping. James Cameron seemed to enjoy showcasing her in tight pants and riding her motorcycle, but never bothered to build a real character or story for her. I almost get the feeling that James Cameron was infatuated with her and just figured everyone else would be too.

As to Jessica herself, I heard that the entire dreadful "Logan virus" storyline was created to accommodate the fact that she didn't want to do love scenes with the actor who played Logan -- he'd been her boyfriend (or fiance) in real life and they'd had such a bad breakup that she had a hissy fit over the idea of having to be intimate with him on camera. Sounds farfetched but I guess when you're the star of the show (and the executive producer is crushing on you), you get what you want.

He was only 21 at the time????

I think I'm getting him mixed up with Dean, whose character is a couple of years younger than Jensen Ackles. I think he was actually about 23, which frankly, ain't much better.

The Berrisford Agenda is a damned fine episode but I know I could watch him taking his top off and saying, 'I'm your breeding partner,' more than once.

Heh, it was knowledge of this scene that had me flying out to Michigan!

That said, I love "The Berrisford Agenda," not just for giving Alec a great episode but because it actually shows Manticore being awful. I never saw Season One, which I've heard was better (despite Jensen Ackles only having a bit part in it), but the Manticore of Season Two was the least menacing evil corporation I've ever seen. Honestly, if not for Alec I never could have sat through any of this.

[arabia764.livejournal.com]

23? You're right, it's not that much better! But what do I care, it's not like it's real life.

From what I've heard Jessica Alba was a bit of a nightmare on that series. She must have been fed up with such a one-note character, Max was such a non-entity that it was impossible to care about her. But then the whole thing was down right ludicrous.

The only way you can really watch it is with a bottle of wine and other slightly-Jensen-obsessed girlfriends. Then it's almost poetry!

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I think Alba was more fed up with her love life than anything else and it's a shame that she let it affect not only her work but the entire production. Well, I understand she was really young, like just out of her teens when she started on that show, so I guess we can cut her some slack. Story goes that she called Jensen Ackles years later to apologize for being such a twat, which was a nice thing to do.

The only way you can really watch it is with a bottle of wine and other slightly-Jensen-obsessed girlfriends.

It's far, far less embarrasing than watching it alone!

[slipperieslope.livejournal.com]

Some people choose to fly to Michigan for football... and then some people have better reasons to fly to Michigan ; )

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Football!? Bah!

Seriously though, was there some big game this weekend? Because the plane last night was full of people in Michigan sweatshirts.

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you had a great weekend.

I tried to watch Dark Angel, hoping for a good SF show, but it was so dull and so depressing I quit it after one episode. Never realized Jensen was in any of the episodes.

Never watched Smallville after the first episode either, but I guess now I'll have to get hold of the fourth season and give it a watch.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Maybe you watched Season One of Dark Angel? I understand Jensen Ackles had a very small part in that. It's Season Two where he's a recurring character though pretty much every scene he isn't in is dull and depressing.

I think you can buy both of these used at Amazon, if you're so inclined.

Hope you're feeling better!

[baylorsr.livejournal.com]

IT'S A DOG MAN.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

ROFL! If that doesn't sum up this show, I don't know what does.

You have some nerve showing your face around here after getting me hooked on this shit. I was so embarrassed to be pressing that "Proceed to Checkout" button at Amazon. Friggin' troublemaker.

Hey, you wanna come to New York?

[baylorsr.livejournal.com]

Apparently I need to come to New York to correct our error in not watching Devour. We need to get hooked up with that action.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

It sounds fucking horrible.

Wonder how old he is in that...

[baylorsr.livejournal.com]

I'm popping it into the top of the Netflix queue. Will provide a full report upon viewing.

Yes, I seriously want to come to NY but November and December sucks. What about MLK weekend in Jan.?

[oselle.livejournal.com]

My stupid job doesn't have that as a holiday but I'm sure I could take off...hmmm, miserable January post-holiday blues dispelled by drunk Acklesian weekend? Sounds pretty good...

[layne67.livejournal.com]

Uh-huh. I'm convinced!

*nods*

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I'm spreading the madness. Cool!!