A Little Gloom 'n Doom For Ya

[oselle]

I've really turned into one of those people who hates the holiday season. This whole entire stretch from Thanksgiving through New Year's. It's not the holidays themselves, it's the whole miserable year's-end thing. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate all the "Best of 20--" compilations, and "Images of 20--" montages, I hate Auld Lang Syne, I hate every second of it.

It just feels like failure, every goddamn year. Another whole year gone by and nothing good to say about it. And then there's that awful new year looming ahead. For a while now, every new year has filled me with dread. I just sit here wondering what it's going to bring and I never imagine anything good. Usually I imagine disasters on the order of illness, injury, financial ruin, death, etc. And I wonder, Am I always going to remember 20-- as the worst year of my life?

Was 2008 a bad year for you? I feel like it was a bad year for me. I've been on a sort of weird downward spiral since the middle of the year and I can't get out of it and it doesn't seem much better for a lot of people I know. My parents almost got evicted from their apartment and my mother is getting more demented by the day, the husband of a friend of mine committed suicide in July, another good friend had a catastrophic accident at home and has been hospitalized since September...and don't even get me started on what's going on with the economy and terrorism and people getting trampled to death at Walmart and oh my God. Oh my God, people. I want to feel optimistic about having a new president but I can't. I just don't think the new administration is going to make that much of a difference in the short term, I don't think it's going to make much of a difference to me. I think things are bad and are going to stay bad and may even get worse for the next...I don't know. Two or three years. And in the big picture that may not be a whole lot of time but in one lifetime, two or three years of bad mojo is...I mean it can be something you don't ever get over.

To date, I'll always recall 1999 as "the worst year of my life" for reasons too numerous to detail. Let's put it this way -- it started with a car accident and ended with what I guess you'd call a nervous breakdown. I was still relatively young then, in my early thirties, but the things that happened in 1999 still affect my life and always will. It was just a complete derailment and I don't think I've ever really gotten back on track since. Part of my dread of 2009 is that it's going to be the ten-year anniversary of my annus horribilis and I'm superstitious about that. Last year of the first decade of the 21st century and I feel like...I've been silently accruing disaster interest on some cosmic charge card and 2009 will be the year the bill comes due. And I know I can't afford to pay it.

So, everyone else having a great weekend?

Comments

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I just wish my parents would participate more in their own care. My mother really can't do that but up to a couple of years ago she was still pretty coherent and still refused to talk about any eldercare planning. My father, though mentally sound, is more or less the same way. They come from a culture and generation where aged parents were taken care of at home by their grown children and they're resistant to any sort of real-world legal or financial advice. I dragged them off to consult with an eldercare attorney a couple of years ago to try and start making some arrangements and they never went back. My mother literally throws a tantrum anytime you even bring up money or legal issues (she was always paranoid and dementia has made it far worse) and my father just clams up because he doesn't want to deal with her. So I try to talk to him about this stuff when I can but he just shrugs his shoulders and acts like nothing can be done. I've made it very clear to them that, heartless as it sounds, the day will never come when I'll be their caregiver. I've done what I can -- I have power-of-attorney and health proxies over both of them -- but right now we're all just in a miserable holding pattern. Thanks for your offer of help, I may take you up on it, but frankly I wouldn't even know where to start asking questions because any advice hits a dead end at my parents' doorstep.

[muffaletta.livejournal.com]

It's terrific that at least you have their power of attorney/health proxies. Some other suggestions: do they have a living will or do you have any idea about what they would want? And do they have a trust? Do you know where their legal and financial documents/list of assets are? Do you have copies of their MediCare/health insurance cards? Do you have the names and phone numbers of their doctors? If they have a safety deposit box, are you on their signature card? Will they allow your name to be on the checking account (that's really the easiest in case of emergencies)? If those things are or can be taken care of now, it would be a phenomenonal help for later on.

My parents also lived in the glorious land of DeNile. I also wasn't able to physically care for them. I did convince them to move closer to my house so at least they'd had their "independence" but it was easier for me. Still, Dad wouldn't let a stranger come in the house to help. So it ended up being a waiting game. Eventually he could no longer take care of Mom and I offered him the choice of a caregiver vs. nursing home. Caregiver won and after a bit of adjustment, Dad ended up pretty happy with the arrangement. Of course, things kept changing which is why I've seen a bit of everything.

Right now, your parents are managing but the situation will continue to change with time. That's one of the challenges of dementia and elder care in general: things continue to evolve. Once your mother's care becomes too difficult, your father also might be be more willing to listen. And if he isn't and the situation in your parents' home becomes dangerous for them, there are usually nonprofit elder care organziations that have social workers/case managers you can talk to. They can go out to the house on an "anonymous" tip and assess the safety situation. Might be a last resort solution but it is there....But in the meantime, you've done all you can. And you really are to be commended about giving a damn. Not everybody does.