(no subject)
Sep. 14th, 2009 08:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oselleWhen I first woke up this morning I had a brief but very total moment of disorientation where I knew I had to get up and to to work but I didn't know what job. My brain sort of shuffled through various jobs I've held in the past but it was like all of those were something I saw on television or heard from someone else. I was also not too certain of what year it was or how old I was. Didn't last long but for that few seconds it felt not scary but kind of good -- the scary, or rather the depressing part, was when the shuffling settled down to reality and I knew exactly when and who I was and where I was supposed to get up and go.
Then later on while I was leaving my apartment and locking up I had a feeling I've occasionally had before, that I didn't know what I was doing there all by myself. I felt like a little kid, like a latchkey kid left to fend for herself and it seemed wrong and beyond belief that there was no one to look out for me. Like someone should call Child Protective Services or something.
I hate that I'm the age I am and still feel so completely adrift most of the time. And not adrift in a liberated, open horizons sort of way but adrift as in lost. The feeling I had upon waking up was just semi-conscious bleariness and the other one was just some passing phantasm but the truth is I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, where I could go or what I could possibly do with myself. And I feel ancient yet at the same time like an abandoned kid and not like a grown up at all.
Then later on while I was leaving my apartment and locking up I had a feeling I've occasionally had before, that I didn't know what I was doing there all by myself. I felt like a little kid, like a latchkey kid left to fend for herself and it seemed wrong and beyond belief that there was no one to look out for me. Like someone should call Child Protective Services or something.
I hate that I'm the age I am and still feel so completely adrift most of the time. And not adrift in a liberated, open horizons sort of way but adrift as in lost. The feeling I had upon waking up was just semi-conscious bleariness and the other one was just some passing phantasm but the truth is I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, where I could go or what I could possibly do with myself. And I feel ancient yet at the same time like an abandoned kid and not like a grown up at all.