Only A Matter of Time

[oselle]

This was just too incredible to let go by without a post.

If you follow my LJ regularly, you know that I've posted about how conservative Christians really should stop calling themselves "Christians" because they're not following the teachings of Christ. Well, they've solved that little problem. No, they're not getting in line with Christ...they're getting Christ in line with them.

They're rewriting the Bible.

Yes, you read that correctly. Conservapedia, the conservative-skewed (and often reality-challenged) alternative to Wikipedia has taken up the task of rewriting the Bible to reflect modern-day conservative values instead of those "liberal biased" Christian values. Among other things, their "Conservative Bible Project" will be focused on:

> "Providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias"

> "Using powerful new conservative terms as they develop...updating words which have a change in meaning, such as 'word', 'peace', and 'miracle'"

> "Explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning"

> "Not dumbing down the reading level" but then again, "preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio"

Emphases mine. You see, the problem with the Bible we have now is that it's just a bad translation with a liberal bias. All that stuff about loving thy neighbor and taking care of the least among us and how impossible it is for the rich to get into the kingdom of heaven and blessed are the peacemakers is nonsense based on a biased translation. The new and improved conservative Bible will reflect real Christian values. You know, like free-market economics. Personally, I'm very interested in finding out what "powerful conservative term" will replace a word like "peace."

Look, I know Conservapedia is pretty much a joke except to a relatively small segment of the population but nevertheless...the gall. The absolute gall of these people.

And if anyone tries to tell me that this is the same as just "updating" the Bible with more modern, accessible language or gender-inclusive pronouns...don't. Okay? Just don't.

Comments

[tripoli.livejournal.com]

I actually thought this was a nice counterpoint to the intelligent language design fad of a couple of years ago, that said the King James Bible had been guided by the hand of a Supreme Grammarian and English had been given to (the right sort of) humans so that the Bible could finally be translated into it.

(Just...hold that in your mind for a moment.)

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Brain all hurty now.

[oxer12.livejournal.com]

O_o

The mind, it boggles. I don't know what else to say...

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Not at all like using gender-neutral pronouns. That's that liberal evil bias there. They're saving the Bible from being "immasculated" through gender-neutral pronouns. It really is just for men!

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

A conservatard finaly realizes that their "values" are more in line with Mammon and Beezlebub's than Christ's and this is what happens.

Cue conservative Bible puritans outrage against this heretical blasphemy!

Cue liberals pointing and laughing at all conservatives, whether die-hard batshit ones or no, with the conservatives feeling even more beleagured by the media by being lumped together with thee lunatics.

Cue The Great Division of the Republicans and Libertarians, culminating in the world's first political cult of People For The Revisionist Bible.

Cue the religious Jews and Muslims outrage ("we always said they were heretics, but now they're messing with our collective heritage, man!").

Cue the outcry from the international Christian community - "Hands off The Good Book, you shmucks!".

Cue Christian conservatives actually becoming more liberal because of the vigorous efforts of their batshit political brethren to prove that Republicans stand against Christian values forced upon the unknowing masse by those rat bastard liberal Roman translators.

Cue the internet breaking in half.

Oh, this is going to be so much fun! XD *is gleeful*

I'm almost convinced that the whole thing is a cruel and elaborate hoax perpetuated by the liberals, though.

(Appropriate icon is appropriate)

[pearlette.livejournal.com]

This. Is a great post. :)

"Hands off The Good Book, you shmucks!".

That needs to be an icon. :p

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Thanks. =D Although I'm just stating the obvious here.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Also, you need to check out this post, if only for the glorious icons in the comments:

http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/7259555.html?nc=16

[tskterata.livejournal.com]

That's just. just. I don't even know what to say to that.

Can't they just admit that theirs is a new religion and write a book about that - like that L Ron Hubbard guy did?

Creeps.

[claudia603.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Brain. hurts.

[pearlette.livejournal.com]

This is so utterly risible it is indeed difficult to believe it's not a massive hoax of some kind.
Cutting bits out of the Bible is not what orthodox Christians do, for the love of pete. LOLOLOLOLOL.

I know a lot of conservative Christians here in Britain (both clergy and non-clergy) and each one of them would regard this folly with utter contempt.

[sixth-queen.livejournal.com]

High word-to-substance ratio is now liberal? I guess Sarah Palin didn't get that particular memo.

[smidirini.livejournal.com]

That's nuts.

[the0neru.livejournal.com]

... no, wait, what?! Things like this are why I feel the need to have a disclaimer statement ready if I tell people I'm Christian.

I can't wait to hear my ultra-conservative-Bible-Belt Christian parents' rant about this. My dad, in particular, who actually went to the trouble of learning Hebrew and Greek so he could read untranslated (un"biased"?) versions of Scripture, is going to be absolutely livid. Heh.

I agree with tskterata - why don't they just write their own Bible and be done with it? Although that would require a statement along the lines of "based on the Holy Bible", which doesn't quite get the We-Know-Best vibe across.

[the0neru.livejournal.com]

Sorry, but the pedantic side of me feels obliged to point out that the "guideline" regarding not "dumbing down" the Bible mentions "the NIV [New International Version] is written at only the 7th grade level" (emphasis mine) is in itself inaccurate.

The NIV is a translation from Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek texts including the Dead Sea Scrolls, the Masoretic text, and the Samaritan Pentateuch for the Old Testament and several Greek manuscripts of the New Testament. The translations were done by interdenominational teams of biblical scholars from colleges, universities and seminaries, with a specific aim of avoiding any sectarian bias.

And on a less nit-picky but still incredulous note: the original Scriptures were written by "regular people" as well as those who were more educated. As the intended audience was/is the general public, it is already written pretty much an average man-on-the-street reading level - you'd have to *work* at dumbing down an actual translation. This objection to accessible language smacks of all the old arguments against translating the Bible from Latin into English to prevent the "common man"'s access.

[/ soapbox ]