Onward, Christian Soldiers!

[oselle]

I don't know if you foreigners are aware of this, being godless and all, but here in the Christian States of America we've for many years been entrenched in a terrible war, that is, The War on Christmas. The enemies of Christ and Christmas have many insidious weapons at their disposal, the greatest among them being the replacement of the word "Christmas" with the godless, secular word "holiday."

Praise be to Jesus, the always at-the-ready Christian soldiers at Focus on the Family have fired their "Stand for Christmas" salvo, which now includes the opportunity for fellow Christian soldiers to rate popular retailers on their Christmas-Friendliness.

You bargain hunting Christian soldiers will be happy to hear that K-Mart is a very Christmas-Friendly place to shop, apparently because salespeople say "Merry Christmas" and because they play religious carols like "Silent Night" over the speaker system. Let's be sure to give plenty of business to this Christian corporation so they can keep bringing us lots and lots of low-quality merchandise made by godless heathens in the finest sweatshops of the third world.

However, if you prefer overpriced urban casual separates for the up-and-coming career Christian soldier, you're going to have to start shopping somewhere besides Banana Republic. With a staggering 81% (of the vast sample of 21 Christian soldiers) reporting the chain is "Christmas-Offensive," there's just no way that any true Christian could continue to shop there. Tough cookies for the third-world heathens who make their slightly higher-quality merchandise, but who cares about them, they're godless anyway. We really need to worry about the poor salespeople, not because they make $8 an hour and have no benefits because they'll only be employed until January, but because the store is just so anti-Christmas that working there could be hazardous to their faith! From the ratings:

"I'm sad for their employees who are told not to say "Christmas". Many of them must be conflicted. They are mostly young people, so I wonder, does it harm their faith? Add to the prayer list...."

Okay...seriously? If you find that having to say "Happy Holidays" to someone at your shitty mall job is harming your faith? You don't have any faith. You just don't. God forbid anyone ever put your sorry ass in the Coliseum with a bunch of lions if your faith can't even weather saying "Happy Holidays."

And also...is it even necessary anymore to point out the sick irony of linking "the true meaning of Christmas" to the retail experience? Lemme tell you something. If you were living "the true meaning of Christmas," you wouldn't be spending your time shopping, much less posting your "Christmas-Friendly" ratings on some idiotic website. But I do somehow love the idea that people are shallow enough to think that a few piped-in Christmas carols and a "Merry Christmas" from a cashier reflects a store's values. LOL! Keep voting with those dollars, ya dimwits, and when you drop dead I'm sure you'll just have to tell Jesus that you shopped at K-Mart instead of Banana Republic and he'll usher you right through those Pearly Gates himself.

Click here to discover more of the true meaning of Christmas.

ETA: Just have to include one more comment, this one about The Gap's advertising in which perky people wish us a "Happy Holidays, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Solstice" etc...

"Very offended by the recent advertisement. How dare they suggest we celebrate what we want? This is a Christian nation.

Actually? This is a nation founded on a principle of religious freedom. Which means it was our very Founding Fathers, so revered by conservatives, who dared to suggest that we celebrate "what we want." A good 200+ years before The Gap thought of it. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

Comments

[oxer12.livejournal.com]

Oh noes! Lane Bryant is ZERO% Christmas friendly! Guess I will have to go buy my fat girl clothes somewhere else now. Maybe Macy's, I think it had a better rating.

Is that comment about the Gap ad real?? I'm offended by such utter stupidity.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I don't doubt that all the comments are real. You should read them all. There were some real hoots. One of my other favorites was from a soldier who complained that he had asked for religious wrapping paper at The Gap and been offered red-and-green paper instead. "What do red and green have to do with Christmas?" he fumed. Meanwhile, the StandForChristmas.com website that he was posting on? IS RED AND GREEN. You just cannot make this shit up.

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

Loved this. I just had the big rant about the founding fathers to Hepmom, not because she was ranting about the War on Christmas, but she goes to church with people who would. I was just having a ranty Saturday (also ranted re offensive email forwards and marriage inequality and the waaaaaahfest of people who've had it their own way for 200 years and now are being ATTACKED! because people want to be left alone to practice their own ways).

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I think the founding fathers would not even recognize their country. Everything they believed in is opposed by today's conservatives.

Where do you find these things?

[tskterata.livejournal.com]

Oh Oselle,

How can you take issue with such pure actions? Of course these good Christians are offended that retailers would want to include other denominations (or none at all!) is their advertising. I mean really, the fact that God-fearing people have to share their country with heathens is bad enough, but to actually encourage these godless hordes to shop alongside Christians is just too much. Consuming, after all, is the greatest of Christian activities, yes? I sure it says that somewhere in the Bible. Probably right near the bit about loving your neighbor.....

Re: Where do you find these things?

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I find most of them at www.balloon-juice.com, one of my favorite sites.

Consuming, after all, is the greatest of Christian activities, yes?

Considering the conflation of Christian values with retail service, I'd have to assume that it is. One commenter even said that the meaning of Christmas was first, to celebrate the birth of Christ, and second, to buy presents. I'm surprised it came in second.

[mirabile-dictu.livejournal.com]

Read this (and laughed), and then a friend linked to this, and laughed some more. As I told her, I can only check off 10! What's wrong with me?

is it even necessary anymore to point out the sick irony of linking "the true meaning of Christmas" to the retail experience? This is what really bugs me. The hypocrisy makes me crazy, Oselle. CRAZY with an extra AAA in it.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I could only check off 10, too, and I was kind of on the fence about "Immodest Women." But since that probably encompasses any woman who leaves the house without some man's permission, I'd assume I qualify.

The hypocrisy makes me crazy.

The first time I ever heard "Jesus is the reason for the season," I actually thought it was a call to resist commercialism and greed and celebrate Christmas in a spiritual way. Now I realize it was just about saying "Merry Christmas" and listening to "Joy to the World" instead of "Jingle Bells." Silly, silly me.

[mariole.livejournal.com]

> God forbid anyone ever put your sorry ass in the Coliseum with a bunch of lions if your faith can't even weather saying "Happy Holidays."

LOL! Another fine rant. Cheers. I mean, "Happy Solstice".

[oselle.livejournal.com]

A Happy Solstice to us all!

What makes me laugh about the solstice outrage is that out of all the winter holidays -- Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa -- solstice is the only one that isn't made up or based on some myth or legend. For heaven's sake, even if you really believe in Jesus, most biblical scholars say he was probably born some time in September. December 25 is just a date some pope came up with. Meanwhile, winter solstice is a real thing -- the darkest day of the year and also the return of light with the shifting of the seasons. And these people think it was something witches made up. I love it. And what makes it even better is that so many of our Christmas traditions are pagan -- the wreath, the tree, the yule log, all in celebration of...solstice. LOLOLOLOL!

[alexseanchai]

Who're these biblical scholars who say September? Because what I keep hearing is that the shepherds were in the fields that night because it was the only time of year they didn't dare leave the sheep alone--lambing season. Which is in the spring.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Years back when I was religious (probably the early '90s), I seem to remember reading the September theory all over. Maybe it was from Dominic Crossan, who published at least one book on "the historical Jesus" at that time. I think they based it on astronomical evidence (the "Christmas star," which was supposedly some sort of comet) and also historical evidence (the Roman census). I've never heard the springtime theory, but since I haven't kept abreast of new developments in biblical scholarship since the '90s, this may be the new thing and the old September date may have been debunked. Either way, December 25th is still a made-up date, and was most certainly made up to be in line with the winter feast days that so many cultures already had, and which all revolved around the solstice. Early Christianity was very savvy about piggybacking onto and eventually supplanting the traditions of other cultures.

I would think that shepherds generally have to keep watch of their sheep no matter what. Predators and all.

[laurajerry.livejournal.com]

Over here from metaquotes, because I wanted to read the rest, and have enjoyed it greatly. I watched a documentary about different theologians debating the "real" time of Jesus' birth, and there is no absolute consensus but several different theories, one being the September like you said, another going more for April/May, and also some saying more like June, and many theologians were saying that the whole course of the story in the bible, probably was stretched out over 1 to 2 years of time (which makes sense then why Herod wanted to kill all males under 2 years old). So, yeah there is really no way of knowing, but most theologians don't actually think it was in December (although not completely rule out either.)

[alexseanchai]

Yeah, but they wouldn't typically be with their sheep 24/7, would they?

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Beats the hell outta me, I'm from Queens. They got wolves in Bethlehem?

[i-o-r-h-a-e-l.livejournal.com]

Merry Christmas!

Err, no. Happy Holiday!

:D

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Merry Christmas to you too, godless heathen!

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Such a coincidence! I'd just opened the tab for today's Shortpacked strip: http://www.shortpacked.com/d/20091207.html

I wish to metaquote. May I?

[oselle.livejournal.com]

LOL...a sacred totem of renewal and fertility! Decorated with all sorts of flashing lights, I'll bet!!

Sure, metaquote but if Christian soldiers descend upon my journal to add me to their prayer lists, I'm holding you responsible.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Dun, Dun!

I think I should be your LJ publicist.

[oselle.livejournal.com]

You can only have the job if you say "Merry Christmas." I don't want anyone harming my faith.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

But what is your stand on Halloween?

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I'd say it was a Wiccan celebration of the occult but the very Christian K-Mart sells decorations and candy and costumes for it so it must be OK with Jesus and so it's OK with me!

[celestinenox]

AHAHAAHA! Especially the last panel. ::snorts::

[claudia603.livejournal.com]

This has to be one of your best LOLs ever! Carry on, Christian--er...Godless...er...soldier! :D

[oselle.livejournal.com]

When it comes to this stuff, the jokes, they write themselves.

[annemjw.livejournal.com]

Here from metaquotes, thanks for this, it makes me amused as much as it makes me headdesk :)

[oselle.livejournal.com]

I had the same reaction. Laughing my ass off as I claw my eyes out. Odd, that.

[alexseanchai]

I suppose I should keep quiet about my heretical idea that retail folk should say "Happy holidays" year-round or not at all, on account of not all religions have important holidays in December...

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Actually I have long been a firm supporter of celebrating ALL holidays, primarily because it would ensure far more three-day weekends than the current plan. I am still spoiled from my Catholic school days, when we used to have the day off on holidays like St. Patrick's* and the relatively obscure Feast of the Immaculate Conception (today, 12/8, as a matter of fact!) while all those poor public-school saps had to drag their asses to school.

*Footnote to this story is that Catholic high-schoolers in New York City tended to make such annual drunken disgraces out of themselves at the big St. Patty's Day Parade that eventually the dioceses just kept us all in school that day. Erin Go Bluuurgh!