SPN 5:16

[oselle]

I haven't rewatched all of it because I'm really not in the mood for another 15-minute crying jag. But I just wanted to get down some of the thoughts I couldn't last night...

First of all, color me surprised that Andrew Dabb & Daniel Loflin wrote this episode because I think it's the first good one they've managed to pull off. I thought their other efforts were either forgettable ("I Believe The Children Are Our Future"), weirdly off-base ("After School Special"), or just flat-out awful ("Yellow Fever"). So it looks like these guys spent part of the hiatus doing their homework which may have included...reading some fanfiction. There were parts of this that just felt very fanonical to me -- in a good way.

It's difficult to analyze Sam and Dean's very different versions of heaven because I'm not entirely convinced that that was heaven (just as I was never convinced that Zachariah's vision of the future in "The End" was true). Anything Zachariah has a hand in feels like a charade -- no matter how much we're told that it's real.

Nevertheless, both Sam and Dean acknowledge that their personal heavens do reflect their happiest memories, so whatever they're seeing is real for them. And that's probably what will cause the most talk about this episode -- that Dean's happiest memories are about Sam and his mother while Sam's happiest memories are all about the times he managed to get away from his family.

I can't honestly say I know what to make of this. It's something we've known about Sam and Dean going as far back as the pilot, but I don't think we've ever seen it expressed so nakedly. This was most obvious when Sam and Dean arrived at Sam's memory of leaving for Stanford (such a fanon staple!). Two things really got me about this scene: the first was Dean admitting that this was one of the worst nights of his life. And the second was Sam's reaction to that admission.

What Sam remembers is that he was happy because he was getting away from their father. Dean reminds him that Dad wasn't the only person Sam was getting away from. I was taken aback by Dean saying this because, while Dean has at times accused Sam of being selfish, it was always in relation to their father or to the "family business" -- never directly in relation to himself. I think this is the first time Dean's ever called Sam out on the way Sam has hurt him. Yet Sam almost seemed to feel as if it wasn't that big of a deal or that Dean just didn't understand where Sam was at that point in his life. That probably is true -- but that doesn't mitigate the hurt. I'm not saying that Sam was wrong to go to Stanford, but Sam's reaction to Dean's admission was...if not wrong, then odd. If someone close to you tells you that something you did was one of the worst things that ever happened to him, I feel like some expression of empathy or regret is only natural, even if you did it for a good reason and know that you never meant to hurt the other person.

What follows is Sam telling Dean that "I just don't look at family the way you do," and Dean says "Yeah, but I'm your family." Now, if Sam and Dean were ordinary brothers, it would be a lot easier to take Sam's side here. But they're not ordinary brothers. Each is literally all the other has and as Dean says, it's them against the world. Maybe that wasn't as true when Sam was eighteen and lighting out for Palo Alto, but it's very easy to understand why Dean would have always felt that way.

I can't see where the show is going with all this, but I hope they're going somewhere. I suspect that Zachariah is trying to drive them apart and I also think that the writers are beginning to lay the foundation for a series conclusion in which Sam and Dean ultimately go their separate ways. But before that happens, Sam and Dean really do have to be a team. I don't know how it helps for Dean to be constantly reminded that he does not occupy the same place in Sam's heart that Sam does in his. If this is part of Zachariah's machinations, then Zach seems to be at least succeeding at something.

It was fun to see Ash and Pamela again but both of their descriptions of heaven were pretty sad (as Dean himself pointed out) -- leading me again to believe that all of this was one of Zachariah's smoke-and-mirrors routines. One of SPN's running themes is that getting what you've always wanted comes with unexpected and often deadly perils (think of "What Is And What Should Never Be"). So we're supposed to buy into a heaven that is exactly that? Pamela's speech to Dean about how the death of billions of people wouldn't be so bad felt especially suspect. And Zachariah continues to be absolutely awful at his job. Does he even care if Dean gives in to Michael anymore, or does he just hate Dean's guts? Because what he's doing to Dean now just seems calculated to torture him, not to compel or even force him to say yes.

Anyone who wants to talk about what they think of Joshua and his laissez-faire God is welcome to do so. The only thing I can make of it is that the writers know they can't bring GOD into the show without turning it into something that feels like, at worst, a Michael Landon production and, at best, Joan of Arcadia. The "deadbeat dad" parallels they keep trying to draw between God and John Winchester don't work for me at all; Sam's comment about Dean always "cleaning up Dad's messes" seemed to have no purpose other than to foreshadow Dean having to clean up God's mess, too (and as a side note, I don't know why the writers felt the need to plant this idea of marital strife between John and Mary...except as an excuse to get that line about "Dad's messes" in there).

I was crushed when Dean threw away the amulet and I don't think it has anything to do with loss of faith in God. The only reason that amulet ever mattered to Dean was because Sam had given it to him...and now that he's gotten such an unfortunate glimpse of Sam's most cherished (and Dean-free) memories, I can understand why Dean's own memories would feel so disposable.

Oh, how awful. Let's talk about the fireworks scene.

I said in my last post that it's moments like these that keep me watching this show and that...that scene couldn't possibly have hit me any harder. It was like something out of the best, most poignant SPN fanfic you've ever read, you know, the kind where you wonder why the show itself so seldom goes so deep. My heart just ached for Dean getting to relive this childhood memory and it was just like childhood memories really are, important for no reason that you can explain. It was beautifully filmed, beautifully acted, especially by Jensen who seldom gets to play Dean with such unreserved happiness. It was beautiful and now I'm crying again so I'm going to wrap this up.

Comments

Re: **hugs** to you

[oselle.livejournal.com]

Sam had better have picked up that amulet. How could he not have??