Jul. 9th, 2011

oselle: (Default)
I am horrified, horrified at how quickly time has begun to pass.

They say this happens to everyone as they get older but it's beyond anything I ever imagined.

And it's not just now compared to, say, childhood or adolescence. It's moving faster now than it was even a few years ago.

I was talking in another post about my past fandoms and I realized that I've now been in Supernatural fandom longer than I was actively involved in Lord of the Rings/Elijah Wood combined. LoTR/EW altogether lasted from early 2002 through mid-2005, roughly three-and-a-half years. Next month will mark four full years that I've been in SPN fandom...and yet when I think of LoTR/EW, it seems like that went on forever, and meanwhile, these past four years have just...I don't know where they went. It's getting faster all the time.

I swear, I'll remember something and I'll think, Oh yeah, that was a couple of years ago, and then I'll realize it was six or seven or ten years ago. Last month marked eleven years that I've been at my job. This November it will be five years since my dog died. I have the feeling of being trapped in a car with a jammed gas pedal and no brakes...and hurtling right toward a concrete wall. Hurtling downhill toward a concrete wall. Faster all the time.

There's something ominous about this because I think it has to do with death. The closer you get to it, the faster things go. It's an inelegant metaphor, but it makes me think of water going down a tub. When the tub is full, the water's moving so slowly you can hardly tell it's going out at all. That's like childhood, when time seems to stand still. The more the tub drains, the faster the water moves. That's adulthood, slipping by faster and faster. When the water's almost all gone, it's moving so fast that it's just a blur. That's where I'm at now. Everything's just a blur. Circling the drain.

Jesus Christ, someone put a stopper in this thing.

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oselle

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